Hey there! Its been a while since I have written here… I think I have written about 20 posts that are unfinished and sitting in my drafts folder. Anyone else out there have trouble hitting the publish button after writing a post? I think its probably because my posts are personal rants or word vomit!
Anyway, I figured it was time I update, because there really is plenty to update about! The renovations are coming along nicely and things are taking a long time, but they are happening little by little. It seems that as quickly as I can get one job finished, there is another brain wave and another new project on the go. I am trying to do as much as I can myself but there are some jobs that I need to get tradies in for and that means waiting for a space in other peoples schedules – and I am not enjoying having to be patient! The major job on the go at the moment is having liquid limestone poured around the pool, and this job feels like it is taking forever. It hasn’t been an easy one with lots of false starts and dealing with the weather making it near impossible to book anything in! Here is a progress shot!
In waiting for all this to get happening, I can openly admit that things haven’t been great on the mental health front. It feels like I have been barely holding it together, though people around me haven’t really noticed any difference apparently. I mentioned this to the psych in my last appointment and he said he had written into my notes over a year ago that he believed I had transitioned into a state of ‘high-functioning anxiety’. This is something I am looking into now, because I hadn’t heard the term before. I have been maintaining everything I guess, making sure that everything gets done, but at least 3 times a week I am bolting for the lookout at the beach for a good long cry. Being down there, having a cry and trying to give myself a second to breathe seems to be the latest coping mechanism and the psych told me that’s totally okay, whatever I need to do to get through. It was a long appointment and we discussed a lot of the stuff that’s going on, and he pointed out that its the first session we have had where we have been discussing future stuff instead of those past hurts. For now, I think that’s progress!
Hey there, you! How’s your day been? New year treating you well so far?
Its been an interesting start to the new year here. At the end of last year I had my youngest in and out of specialist offices and diagnostic testing, to discover that the kiddo has Rheumatoid Arthritis. Another auto-immune disease in the family. My heart broke, and I was incredibly relieved all at once. Heart broken because the early testing on the kid was becoming more and more invasive and the results were becoming more and more scary. At one point there, a specialist discussed with me that we needed to NOT research what was happening online – that although the results were scary there was nothing guaranteed until we looked a little closer. I knew what the doctor was saying and I completely understood. I didn’t look online because I was fkn terrified. I knew that a lot of what we were seeing were commonly seen in kids with Leukaemia diagnosis and I was scared senseless. The relief came when we were finally given the diagnosis, purely because it wasn’t Leukaemia.
The Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis was still a major shock to the system though. Medication and dosage has been a big hit too, it’s scary to see my kiddo hurting, and more horrible still to see that the medication at the moment seems to be making her sicker. In situations like this I would usually hold off on making decisions and do some research, see what sort of natural or alternative therapies we could try. But the symptoms at this point are just too advanced to wait so here we are. Trying to maintain high spirits and stay focussed on healthy and happy. She has some days when the pain is horrible, but I can see hope of it being better and that what I’m trying to stick with. She is a tough cookie and I have had a couple of moments now where I have been so completely overwhelmed with pride. Like when she came home with a bunch of flowers, that she bought for herself. She wanted to feel better and fresh flowers cheer her up. In that moment, I knew she would be okay. Whatever comes next, she is a tough cookie and she’ll be okay. And I have got her back all the way.
The one thing I realised in this is that I really am solo parenting these days. I kept the ex in the loop with all this stuff, and he was concerned and supportive, but at no point did he ask or offer to come along to any of the appointments and I had to really hold back from asking him to be there. It would have been really great to have him there to support her, and if I’m completely honest, I could have done with him being there too. I would have loved for him to be there. But it is what it is right?
I’m focussing on the future, staying positive and taking care of me and mine. The recent health scares have started us on a bit of a health kick and I have been doing more around the house, trying to make this little space of ours more homely. I have no doubt this new year is going to be a new adventure than anything we have faced before, but we got this shit!
I had a funny moment today, walking through the new house. I realized that I am still behaving like a married woman, still considering the needs of other people who weren’t considerate of mine even while we were married. And for a moment there I thought I should be crying. But I didn’t want to cry, I was just incredibly disappointed in myself. Then I decided to get the f*ck on with it and start doing what needed to be done. If I am ever going to start moving on, now is the time to do it right? Fresh start in a new home etc.
Part of buying a home in a mortgagee repossession is taking the risk of buying the house as is. One of the main things for me is all those crappy little things – I have already had professional cleaners go through and clean the place from top to bottom and guess what, the grout is a completely different color than we even thought it was! The bottom of the pantry looks like it has never ever been cleaned and that’s going to take some scrubbing! But then there’s all those shitty little elements, like the flyscreens and security doors were taken, the keys for all the locks etc. So replacing the locks was another pain in the ass to deal with but had to be done. Security doors are taking longer than I was hoping but everything is happening, slowly but surely.
I said in my last post that this was going to be a journey in finding out what I am capable of… This week I learned that not all garage door motors are the same and toilet seats are really easy to replace. If only everything was that easy.
The emotional crap that goes with all this is taking a little more work. It’s been over a year since my marriage ended and I am still impossibly locked into that relationship. And it’s a horrible feeling to realize that the person I was wholly and solely in love with never really felt the same way about me. No matter what he said. I am not discounting how he did feel about me – we had something beautiful and special and we have these two freakin awesome kids as a result of that. But it’s weird to put it all in perspective and realize that he acted in a manner that hurt me, but worse than that, he knew it would hurt me and he didn’t care. Not only did he hurt me, but hurting me didn’t matter. I wasn’t even worth the ‘shit I would hurt her if I did that’. It’s hard to not use that information in measuring my self worth, when for so long it didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me, except him.
I know I have made some changes since I became a single person again, because when I get to the end of each day now, I just hope that I have done enough. That I have behaved well enough and handled myself well enough that my kids could be proud of me. Makes me think of an old saying ‘have you done enough today to earn the right to live tomorrow’.
So it’s time to start cleaning out, the new house and all the emotional shit that rolls around inside me. Tomorrow I’m off to invest in some tools, because if I am going to get this stuff done on my own and not rely on an ex husband, or any other man, then I need to teach myself this stuff. And I will because if nothing else I’m a stubborn bitch lol. Starting with the pool and figuring out if it’s chlorinated or salt water? Any tips? And why would anyone install a pool and leave all that grass around it? This is going to be quite the exercise with my OCD hahaha!