The little things…

There is something in realizing that you are in this on your own – alone. In realizing that no matter how hard you try, it really is just you. Because I have been working away, giving it my all and its not working. You tell yourself (the whole world tells us our whole lives) that if you just keep going, keep fighting the good fight, everything will work out. Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end. Today that doesn’t feel realistic.

There is something in having your hard stuff served up to you by your kids. Your teenage kids who seem to fkn know everything, experts in all the world will ever throw at them. The kids that you cant seem to please, no matter how hard you work.

Today it would be easy to give up – but I am trying hard to find the happiness in the little things. Sometimes they are really little, but they are just as worthy.

Still trying,

Synn xx

Disposable?

I have seen some nasty divorces in my time. Straight up slanging matches and court appearances and horrible arguments over kids and custody and who gets the damn dog. I guess that was a good lesson for me, because I certainly learnt how not to behave.

The separation from my ex was clean. None of that poisonous shit that damages people in the long-term. I know it was hard on my kids, but it would have been a whole lot worse of their father and I had been on a mission to destroy each other. I am really proud of the fact that I haven’t slagged him off, not to them or to anyone else. And I am 100% certain that they have coped better than they would have if they had seen us hating on each other.

And it would have been really easy to hate him. Being cheated on and then cast aside for the shiny new toy was fkn hurtful.

But I had another little life lesson today, that hit me like a tonne of bricks from out of nowhere. I am disposable. Not just to him, but to an entire extended family that I adored. I have always valued family, as screwed up and dysfunctional as mine are, it has always been important to me. And I worked hard to create an amazing little family of my own, including brothers and sisters in law who I love as much as the rest of them. Those people were a bigger feature in my life than my blood relatives most of the time and my experience of family was so much richer for having had them in it.

When we first separated I talked to the extended family and made sure that they knew how important they were to me and that I didn’t want to lose them just because I was no longer with their brother. You would think that having people in your life for 10+ years would give it some concrete stability. But that wasn’t the case here.

Overall, it really just makes me sad. My kids are missing out on having their aunt, uncle and cousin in their lives and I am missing out on my gorgeous niece. And there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. When we separated and his new girlfriend came on the scene, I kept all the nasty details to myself. I didn’t want anyone to think less of him and maybe I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. Somehow I was ashamed of being cheated on, like his actions were indicative of my worth. I am a little ashamed now that I let that define me.

I am doing a lot better these days, though still regularly falling into the habit of letting the old shit creep in. I am still a little broken and beaten down, but I think I am making progress. Just reminding myself everyday that as long as I keep moving forward I’ll be okay.

Saddened,

Synn xx

 

Whatever will be, will be?

Hey there, you! How’s your day been? New year treating you well so far?

Its been an interesting start to the new year here. At the end of last year I had my youngest in and out of specialist offices and diagnostic testing, to discover that the kiddo has Rheumatoid Arthritis. Another auto-immune disease in the family. My heart broke, and I was incredibly relieved all at once. Heart broken because the early testing on the kid was becoming more and more invasive and the results were becoming more and more scary. At one point there, a specialist discussed with me that we needed to NOT research what was happening online – that although the results were scary there was nothing guaranteed until we looked a little closer. I knew what the doctor was saying and I completely understood. I didn’t look online because I was fkn terrified. I knew that a lot of what we were seeing were commonly seen in kids with Leukaemia diagnosis and I was scared senseless. The relief came when we were finally given the diagnosis, purely because it wasn’t Leukaemia.

The Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis was still a major shock to the system though. Medication and dosage has been a big hit too, it’s scary to see my kiddo hurting, and more horrible still to see that the medication at the moment seems to be making her sicker. In situations like this I would usually hold off on making decisions and do some research, see what sort of natural or alternative therapies we could try. But the symptoms at this point are just too advanced to wait so here we are. Trying to maintain high spirits and stay focussed on healthy and happy. She has some days when the pain is horrible, but I can see hope of it being better and that what I’m trying to stick with. She is a tough cookie and I have had a couple of moments now where I have been so completely overwhelmed with pride. Like when she came home with a bunch of flowers, that she bought for herself. She wanted to feel better and fresh flowers cheer her up. In that moment, I knew she would be okay. Whatever comes next, she is a tough cookie and she’ll be okay. And I have got her back all the way.

The one thing I realised in this is that I really am solo parenting these days. I kept the ex in the loop with all this stuff, and he was concerned and supportive, but at no point did he ask or offer to come along to any of the appointments and I had to really hold back from asking him to be there. It would have been really great to have him there to support her, and if I’m completely honest, I could have done with him being there too. I would have loved for him to be there. But it is what it is right?

I’m focussing on the future, staying positive and taking care of me and mine. The recent health scares have started us on a bit of a health kick and I have been doing more around the house, trying to make this little space of ours more homely. I have no doubt this new year is going to be a new adventure than anything we have faced before, but we got this shit!

Striving,

Synn xx

And then Beyoncé made Lemonade…

Isn’t Beyoncé a super sexy woman! I’ll admit, I haven’t always been a big fan – as a teen I liked her in Destiny’s Child and then she had a few hits that I loved, but in the latest album I think I developed a true girl crush. It seems Beyoncé and I have something in common now, and no it’s certainly not that incredible voice she is so blessed with! Beyoncé and I have both been cheated on by men that we adore (some say it’s all a publicity stunt but I believe it – her reaction and the feel of the entire album is way too intense for this to all be fake).

When rumors started circulating that Jay-Z and Beyoncé were experiencing marital issues, I rolled my eyes and moved on to the next page in the magazine. I don’t even remember what the magazine was but I was at the doctors waiting and remember thinking, ‘well f*ck, I’m so glad the media isn’t involved in my marital dramas’. I have always enjoyed people watching and been interested in how people interact and react but I have never enjoyed reading/seeing/hearing crap like that. These celebrities are completely scrutinized for their every move and it seems like they have no privacy. When my ex told me he was leaving me, he had already moved on, and still I didn’t discuss the situation with anyone for a couple of weeks. By that stage I had isolated myself quite a bit (anxiety over knowing my relationship was I trouble I guess) and there wasn’t anyone around on a regular enough basis to notice. So whether it was the right or wrong thing to do, I knew I couldn’t talk about it without falling apart, and I just didn’t. Obviously when people asked how or where he was I told them, but I didn’t do the usual girly thing and call everyone and announce that he had left me. Honestly, I was shitting myself about how other people would react. I was scared of disappointing people, worried about dealing with judgement and dreading telling those people who told me it wouldn’t last. There weren’t many of them but there were a few and I was hurt to know that they* would be pleased to be right. 

Anyway, getting sidetracked here. At the MTV VMA awards this year Beyoncé put on the performance of a lifetime and my little heart was beating out of my chest. The performance included some re-enactment of the video she made to accompany her latest album. The link for the video is below and absolutely rocked my world. The girl is bold and brave as hell, and said out loud a lot of the things I am not brave enough to even think. There is a scene where she walks up the street with a baseball bat and smashes some car windows and then jumps in a great big tank and runs over stuff. I am not saying that kinda behaviour is okay but the girl does CRAZY really well! I am not sure what Beyoncé hoped to achieve but she absolutely proved to anyone that might question (or perhaps have forgotten) how freakin amazing she is.


Http://beef alert.com/2016/04/Beyonce-lemonade-full-movie/

If you have ever been cheated on, watch it.
If you have ever cheated on someone, watch it. 
If you are or have ever been a side bitch, watch it.

I guess even after all this, I still can’t get my head around why people cheat. I don’t understand why people don’t just finish up the relationship they are in before moving onto the next one. It’s difficult to be the one that’s been cheated on but I am not silly enough to believe it’s easy for the other parties involved. Wait, that’s not quite right. I hope it isn’t easy for the other parties involved because… Well it’s just a fkn asshole thing to do. 

Jay-Z seems to be very quiet at the moment, perhaps keeping a low profile. I am not quite sure what all that means, but I hope it’s only because he trying to find a way to make up for his indiscretions, and not because he is hanging out with ‘Becky with the good hair’ …

Singing along, 

Synn xx
*For the record, those people are no longer in my life. They were pleased to know that they were right about our relationship not working and it was a big lesson for me. I realized those people were in my life because I made an effort to maintain contact, so once they had the satisfaction of knowing my relationship was over, I never called and neither did they.