There is something in realizing that you are in this on your own – alone. In realizing that no matter how hard you try, it really is just you. Because I have been working away, giving it my all and its not working. You tell yourself (the whole world tells us our whole lives) that if you just keep going, keep fighting the good fight, everything will work out. Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end. Today that doesn’t feel realistic.
There is something in having your hard stuff served up to you by your kids. Your teenage kids who seem to fkn know everything, experts in all the world will ever throw at them. The kids that you cant seem to please, no matter how hard you work.
Today it would be easy to give up – but I am trying hard to find the happiness in the little things. Sometimes they are really little, but they are just as worthy.
Hey there! Its been a while since I have written here… I think I have written about 20 posts that are unfinished and sitting in my drafts folder. Anyone else out there have trouble hitting the publish button after writing a post? I think its probably because my posts are personal rants or word vomit!
Anyway, I figured it was time I update, because there really is plenty to update about! The renovations are coming along nicely and things are taking a long time, but they are happening little by little. It seems that as quickly as I can get one job finished, there is another brain wave and another new project on the go. I am trying to do as much as I can myself but there are some jobs that I need to get tradies in for and that means waiting for a space in other peoples schedules – and I am not enjoying having to be patient! The major job on the go at the moment is having liquid limestone poured around the pool, and this job feels like it is taking forever. It hasn’t been an easy one with lots of false starts and dealing with the weather making it near impossible to book anything in! Here is a progress shot!
In waiting for all this to get happening, I can openly admit that things haven’t been great on the mental health front. It feels like I have been barely holding it together, though people around me haven’t really noticed any difference apparently. I mentioned this to the psych in my last appointment and he said he had written into my notes over a year ago that he believed I had transitioned into a state of ‘high-functioning anxiety’. This is something I am looking into now, because I hadn’t heard the term before. I have been maintaining everything I guess, making sure that everything gets done, but at least 3 times a week I am bolting for the lookout at the beach for a good long cry. Being down there, having a cry and trying to give myself a second to breathe seems to be the latest coping mechanism and the psych told me that’s totally okay, whatever I need to do to get through. It was a long appointment and we discussed a lot of the stuff that’s going on, and he pointed out that its the first session we have had where we have been discussing future stuff instead of those past hurts. For now, I think that’s progress!
Hey there! It’s been a long week huh? And its only Tuesday here!
Today was a public holiday here for ANZAC day and it was a weird day for me and the kidlets. We usually head into town for the dawn service on ANZAC day but the kids dad is away and the kids didn’t want to go without him. It’s become a tradition and they just don’t seem to be coping that well with him being away. We did have a moment for ourselves and tried to get on with the day, but they are just missing him so much. And honestly, I am missing him too. Things have been so good with us in the last couple of months that I am really missing having him around. It’s all feeling a little bleak and grey sums that up well right now.
We have been flat out with the bathroom renovation and it feels like it is taking forever, with the Easter break and then today’s public holiday everything seems to be very start-stop-start-stop. But were getting there I guess. Some tiles went up on the wall on Monday, and the bath was installed on Friday so it is happening, slowly but surely. Well its too late to turn back now!
We had a few hiccups, when the vanity didn’t arrive on time and we needed to select a different unit, completely different from what we had ordered. It was a bit of a letdown actually and has changed the look of the bathroom totally, but I had tradies booked and we needed to make a decision as quickly as possible. At the moment it all looks pretty grey and I am really hoping it all looks beautiful when its completed. At the moment Im just taking it all as it comes, trying to be the best mama I can be and keep everything afloat!
I have seen some nasty divorces in my time. Straight up slanging matches and court appearances and horrible arguments over kids and custody and who gets the damn dog. I guess that was a good lesson for me, because I certainly learnt how not to behave.
The separation from my ex was clean. None of that poisonous shit that damages people in the long-term. I know it was hard on my kids, but it would have been a whole lot worse of their father and I had been on a mission to destroy each other. I am really proud of the fact that I haven’t slagged him off, not to them or to anyone else. And I am 100% certain that they have coped better than they would have if they had seen us hating on each other.
And it would have been really easy to hate him. Being cheated on and then cast aside for the shiny new toy was fkn hurtful.
But I had another little life lesson today, that hit me like a tonne of bricks from out of nowhere. I am disposable. Not just to him, but to an entire extended family that I adored. I have always valued family, as screwed up and dysfunctional as mine are, it has always been important to me. And I worked hard to create an amazing little family of my own, including brothers and sisters in law who I love as much as the rest of them. Those people were a bigger feature in my life than my blood relatives most of the time and my experience of family was so much richer for having had them in it.
When we first separated I talked to the extended family and made sure that they knew how important they were to me and that I didn’t want to lose them just because I was no longer with their brother. You would think that having people in your life for 10+ years would give it some concrete stability. But that wasn’t the case here.
Overall, it really just makes me sad. My kids are missing out on having their aunt, uncle and cousin in their lives and I am missing out on my gorgeous niece. And there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. When we separated and his new girlfriend came on the scene, I kept all the nasty details to myself. I didn’t want anyone to think less of him and maybe I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. Somehow I was ashamed of being cheated on, like his actions were indicative of my worth. I am a little ashamed now that I let that define me.
I am doing a lot better these days, though still regularly falling into the habit of letting the old shit creep in. I am still a little broken and beaten down, but I think I am making progress. Just reminding myself everyday that as long as I keep moving forward I’ll be okay.
Hey there, you! How’s your day been? New year treating you well so far?
Its been an interesting start to the new year here. At the end of last year I had my youngest in and out of specialist offices and diagnostic testing, to discover that the kiddo has Rheumatoid Arthritis. Another auto-immune disease in the family. My heart broke, and I was incredibly relieved all at once. Heart broken because the early testing on the kid was becoming more and more invasive and the results were becoming more and more scary. At one point there, a specialist discussed with me that we needed to NOT research what was happening online – that although the results were scary there was nothing guaranteed until we looked a little closer. I knew what the doctor was saying and I completely understood. I didn’t look online because I was fkn terrified. I knew that a lot of what we were seeing were commonly seen in kids with Leukaemia diagnosis and I was scared senseless. The relief came when we were finally given the diagnosis, purely because it wasn’t Leukaemia.
The Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis was still a major shock to the system though. Medication and dosage has been a big hit too, it’s scary to see my kiddo hurting, and more horrible still to see that the medication at the moment seems to be making her sicker. In situations like this I would usually hold off on making decisions and do some research, see what sort of natural or alternative therapies we could try. But the symptoms at this point are just too advanced to wait so here we are. Trying to maintain high spirits and stay focussed on healthy and happy. She has some days when the pain is horrible, but I can see hope of it being better and that what I’m trying to stick with. She is a tough cookie and I have had a couple of moments now where I have been so completely overwhelmed with pride. Like when she came home with a bunch of flowers, that she bought for herself. She wanted to feel better and fresh flowers cheer her up. In that moment, I knew she would be okay. Whatever comes next, she is a tough cookie and she’ll be okay. And I have got her back all the way.
The one thing I realised in this is that I really am solo parenting these days. I kept the ex in the loop with all this stuff, and he was concerned and supportive, but at no point did he ask or offer to come along to any of the appointments and I had to really hold back from asking him to be there. It would have been really great to have him there to support her, and if I’m completely honest, I could have done with him being there too. I would have loved for him to be there. But it is what it is right?
I’m focussing on the future, staying positive and taking care of me and mine. The recent health scares have started us on a bit of a health kick and I have been doing more around the house, trying to make this little space of ours more homely. I have no doubt this new year is going to be a new adventure than anything we have faced before, but we got this shit!
Far out, this parenting gig is hard sometimes. Last night was a complete clusterf*ck of epic proportions. Ended with 2 kids in tears and this hot mess Mama sitting on the bathroom floor puking. My kids are struggling, after almost 2 years of their dad and I being separated, they are still struggling.
I’m not sure if its the same in all relationships but my kids are the most important people in my life and right now – nothing I can say or do is enough for them. They don’t want to have anything to do with their father’s girlfriend. They absolutely cant stand her, and the bit that scares me is that they are making real sense. It would be easier if they were just being shit heads who were pitching a fit because they don’t like something (like brussel sprouts) but they aren’t. They are desperate to know why there seems to be a different set of rules for them than there is for dad’s girlfriend. And I tried to explain that there had to be a different set of rules, they are his children and she is his girlfriend. But when she is behaving like an immature brat and is closer to their age than his… well its difficult to fucking explain.
My son is indifferent to her, and my daughter – well, she’s jealous. And she delivered up some pretty harsh fucking truths to me. She called bullshit on the girlfriends behaviour and kicked my arse for trying to justify what happens. Kicked my arse for making excuses for him letting her down. But what the hell am I supposed to say to her?
I don’t know what else to do, or how to make this all okay for them. So for last night, I held them and cuddled them til they stopped crying, then tucked them into their beds just like I have done every night since he left. And then I went and had a big horrible cry until I threw up, and sat on that bathroom floor and gave thanks that I get that privilege. That I am the one that gets to tuck them in every night and that we have the sort of relationship where they can tell me all of that gut-wrenching shit, even when its horrible and we all end up sobbing and snotty nosed.
And this morning, I woke them up early and rushed them through breakfast and skipped chores so that we could escape together and go on an adventure.
We jumped in the car and headed down south, not really certain on where we were going, singing stupid songs at the top of our lungs. We ended up at a lake that I had always wanted to go to, that we had always talked about going to as a family. So we did. I think it has finally sunk in, that the family unit has morphed a little now. That if I still want all those things I had better find a way to be brave enough to do them, sometimes with my kidlets, sometimes on my own. The elements of this life might not fit the mould of what I thought they would be like, but there is a way to make it all work still. I’m just gonna have to be a little brave…
Controlling the craziness sometimes is the biggest mission of the day, and at the moment, there seems to be a whole heap of craziness. This buying a new home and moving house and figuring out which bit to do in which order is just overwhelming!
I picked up the keys this week and went to the house. After being locked up for a month and the huge amounts of rain we have had here, the yard is a mess, not to mention that great big pool! I’ll admit the pool is the reason I wasn’t keen on the house in the first place, but buying into the market in a decent area is a tough gig.
Buying this house was a huge thing for me. I have enough anxieties about whether I am doing the right thing, or if I can maintain all the balls in the air at the moment, not to mention the lack of information in the handover – I am not even sure if the pool is chlorinated or salt water!
The simple fact is that I was able to buy into a great area, by purchasing a place that needs some work. I need to sort out the install of a new soak well, replace locks, organise a pool service, replace garage door remotes… The list goes on! And I’m kinda feeling at the moment that I need a husband! Or maybe a partner in crime haha!
I am hoping that this will be a big lesson for me, a learning curve maybe. I would like this to be an exciting journey for me in which I can learn what I am capable of and I am going to stay positive, because this is going to be something great for me and my kids.
The last few days have been full on and I have been a bit of a wreck emotionally. Today was just the icing on the cake. Today was family day – well the family that used to be. My eldest has a birthday tomorrow and wanted to do something ‘as a family’. Ouch! The whole family thing feels like a lead weight at the moment. Not my kids, just the concept of family.
We have had plenty of occasions together since we separated and this one shouldn’t be any different. I guess the exception this time is that my 1 year ‘dumpiversary’ (the day he walked out on me) is looming and I am feeling like I have been run over. By a truck… a septic truck… a septic truck that is seeping and oozing all sorts of disgustingness. Made worse I guess by realising today that the ‘dumpiversary’ is actually 2 days after his anniversary with his current girlfriend. Yeah, you got it! The dates add up to the fact that he began his relationship with her 2 days before I even knew we were over.
I have really tried to be considerate of his new relationship. I didn’t want things to be hard for him, but ultimately, I didn’t want things to be any harder for my kids. Turns out they had known before I did. Clever little brats. And they hate the new girlfriend, have since the beginning and for the first time ever, I actually kinda get it now.
Its difficult not to get caught up in a worry about whether or not it was ever real for him. Whether all the ‘I love yous’ and stupid inside jokes and silly pet names ever meant anything. Because if they did, how was it all so easy to walk out on?
Everyone makes sacrifices in a relationship, I know that. I guess right now I just feel like I wish I hadn’t sacrificed so much of myself. I gave everything, absolutely everything to that relationship. So much so that when it was all done, I was lost in some void and I honestly wasn’t sure sometimes if I was going to find my way back out. I am not sure, even right now, if I have found my way because sometimes I am stumbling in the dark still. I know I am not over him – well I am not sure if its over ‘him’ or over the ideal I had of what we were going to be. What I believed we were fated to be.
I feel like my future was stolen from me. The future that I had planned for myself and my lovely little ‘family’.
Sad, just sad…
P.S. Just in case you were wondering, we had a really great day. As far as ‘broken family’ goes, we look like were acing this thing. I held my shit together and smiled even though I felt destroyed all over again. We had a great meal and hung out and it was the perfect day according to the kids.