There is something in realizing that you are in this on your own – alone. In realizing that no matter how hard you try, it really is just you. Because I have been working away, giving it my all and its not working. You tell yourself (the whole world tells us our whole lives) that if you just keep going, keep fighting the good fight, everything will work out. Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end. Today that doesn’t feel realistic.
There is something in having your hard stuff served up to you by your kids. Your teenage kids who seem to fkn know everything, experts in all the world will ever throw at them. The kids that you cant seem to please, no matter how hard you work.
Today it would be easy to give up – but I am trying hard to find the happiness in the little things. Sometimes they are really little, but they are just as worthy.
Hey there! Its been a while since I have written here… I think I have written about 20 posts that are unfinished and sitting in my drafts folder. Anyone else out there have trouble hitting the publish button after writing a post? I think its probably because my posts are personal rants or word vomit!
Anyway, I figured it was time I update, because there really is plenty to update about! The renovations are coming along nicely and things are taking a long time, but they are happening little by little. It seems that as quickly as I can get one job finished, there is another brain wave and another new project on the go. I am trying to do as much as I can myself but there are some jobs that I need to get tradies in for and that means waiting for a space in other peoples schedules – and I am not enjoying having to be patient! The major job on the go at the moment is having liquid limestone poured around the pool, and this job feels like it is taking forever. It hasn’t been an easy one with lots of false starts and dealing with the weather making it near impossible to book anything in! Here is a progress shot!
In waiting for all this to get happening, I can openly admit that things haven’t been great on the mental health front. It feels like I have been barely holding it together, though people around me haven’t really noticed any difference apparently. I mentioned this to the psych in my last appointment and he said he had written into my notes over a year ago that he believed I had transitioned into a state of ‘high-functioning anxiety’. This is something I am looking into now, because I hadn’t heard the term before. I have been maintaining everything I guess, making sure that everything gets done, but at least 3 times a week I am bolting for the lookout at the beach for a good long cry. Being down there, having a cry and trying to give myself a second to breathe seems to be the latest coping mechanism and the psych told me that’s totally okay, whatever I need to do to get through. It was a long appointment and we discussed a lot of the stuff that’s going on, and he pointed out that its the first session we have had where we have been discussing future stuff instead of those past hurts. For now, I think that’s progress!
Hey there! Its been a while huh? I have been running ragged here, getting stuff done. The bathroom is finished and fabulous. I am completely loving the whole feel in the room now and I even finally got to take a long relaxing bath. Things are happening, little by little and the house is starting to feel great.
Life here has been quiet. The kids social life is thriving so I seem to spend a lot of time in the car running around after them. My circle seems to be smaller than ever and I have to say, its not bothering me at all. I have been spending a lot of time on my own but I haven’t been lonely which is a bit strange for me. Lonely has become a bit of a regular status for me after the dumping of the century and I always thought I did it quite well. Being on my own was something I quickly became accustomed to, and had resigned myself to if Im honest. When you have been in a partnership for as long as I had, you get used to sharing people, and people get used to you being ‘with’ someone. After the dumping, there were people I distanced myself from, and there were people that distanced themselves from me… and there were people who straight up chose sides. So yeah, its all a bit weird, still learning and changing. And I think I am okay with that.
My birthday is approaching and I am feeling… old! It seems the older I get, the more I feel the cold so this little sweetheart has been the perfect snuggle buddy!