Hey there! Its been a while since I have written here… I think I have written about 20 posts that are unfinished and sitting in my drafts folder. Anyone else out there have trouble hitting the publish button after writing a post? I think its probably because my posts are personal rants or word vomit!
Anyway, I figured it was time I update, because there really is plenty to update about! The renovations are coming along nicely and things are taking a long time, but they are happening little by little. It seems that as quickly as I can get one job finished, there is another brain wave and another new project on the go. I am trying to do as much as I can myself but there are some jobs that I need to get tradies in for and that means waiting for a space in other peoples schedules – and I am not enjoying having to be patient! The major job on the go at the moment is having liquid limestone poured around the pool, and this job feels like it is taking forever. It hasn’t been an easy one with lots of false starts and dealing with the weather making it near impossible to book anything in! Here is a progress shot!
In waiting for all this to get happening, I can openly admit that things haven’t been great on the mental health front. It feels like I have been barely holding it together, though people around me haven’t really noticed any difference apparently. I mentioned this to the psych in my last appointment and he said he had written into my notes over a year ago that he believed I had transitioned into a state of ‘high-functioning anxiety’. This is something I am looking into now, because I hadn’t heard the term before. I have been maintaining everything I guess, making sure that everything gets done, but at least 3 times a week I am bolting for the lookout at the beach for a good long cry. Being down there, having a cry and trying to give myself a second to breathe seems to be the latest coping mechanism and the psych told me that’s totally okay, whatever I need to do to get through. It was a long appointment and we discussed a lot of the stuff that’s going on, and he pointed out that its the first session we have had where we have been discussing future stuff instead of those past hurts. For now, I think that’s progress!
I am having one of those weeks. But instead of getting all caught up in it I am trying so very hard to keep this all in check.
My anxiety is at an all time high. That old familiar feeling of egg beaters whirring away inside my stomach, that constant lump in my throat, that prickly threat of tears just waiting to fall… and worse than that, the constant deafening thud of my heart beating inside my ears and temperature fluctuations that make me wonder if early onset menopause is not so far away…
I am trying to be positive and stay motivated, trying to use all that nervous energy to do something useful and worthwhile. Even in the midst of an anxiety episode I can see the lack of value in the emotions and energy exuded but I cant stop, cant make it go away. Well I could, perhaps with pharmaceutical assistance but even that option seems to fill me with guilt.
Every day I try to be good and do good and that is what I am sticking with. I feel like absolute shit at the moment, but that is the anxiety. And the anxiety will pass, or subside, or dissipate in time. I know that. And knowing that is what keeps me moving forward.
Darkness is an interesting concept. Darkness for me has nothing to do with how bright my environment is. Darkness is a feeling, an emotion maybe. Darkness is something I feel like I am constantly on the run from.
Being someone who grew up with depression and anxiety, not just for myself but within my family, the darkness is the bit that I associate with those things. Retreating to my room when life was all too hard to handle. The kind of darkness that seems to be inside you, and encompassing you and radiating from you.
When I was younger, depression wasn’t something that was talked about with kids, certainly not something that was so readily acknowledged in schools. So, more often than not, I believed I was the only person feeling that way.
Even now, the darkness is always there, lingering – and I flee when I feel it creeping up.
I was lucky enough to realise what all the scariness was and got myself a really great psychologist, who was able to teach me coping mechanisms that I now use on a daily basis. Sometimes without even thinking about it. Those coping skills are now second nature. I am so thankful that the stigma surrounding mental illness is decreasing. I know it definitely still has a long way to go, but it is getting better. The fact that schools are teaching and enlightening kids with information that is actually realistic, and trying to inform them that there are other options is just a start on what is going to be a really long journey. I think those coping skills should be being taught more in schools now.
Darkness is scary and can take your breath away. Darkness can feel hopeless. But if we can find just a little happiness in every day, the darkness seems a little further away.
Daily Post Prompt