Gray… or Grey!

Hey there! It’s been a long week huh? And its only Tuesday here!

Today was a public holiday here for ANZAC day and it was a weird day for me and the kidlets. We usually head into town for the dawn service on ANZAC day but the kids dad is away and the kids didn’t want to go without him. It’s become a tradition and they just don’t seem to be coping that well with him being away. We did have a moment for ourselves and tried to get on with the day, but they are just missing him so much. And honestly, I am missing him too. Things have been so good with us in the last couple of months that I am really missing having him around. It’s all feeling a little bleak and grey sums that up well right now.

We have been flat out with the bathroom renovation and it feels like it is taking forever, with the Easter break and then today’s public holiday everything seems to be very start-stop-start-stop. But were getting there I guess. Some tiles went up on the wall on Monday, and the bath was installed on Friday so it is happening, slowly but surely. Well its too late to turn back now!




We had a few hiccups, when the vanity didn’t arrive on time and we needed to select a different unit, completely different from what we had ordered. It was a bit of a letdown actually and has changed the look of the bathroom totally, but I had tradies booked and we needed to make a decision as quickly as possible. At the moment it all looks pretty grey and I am really hoping it all looks beautiful when its completed. At the moment Im just taking it all as it comes, trying to be the best mama I can be and keep everything afloat!

Surrendering,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt

Cranky!

She was stomping around, making breakfast messily, after getting out of the wrong side of bed after a shitty nights sleep. Her knees ached, her ankles burned, her feet were swollen. Her elbow wouldn’t extend all the way and was making it difficult to reach to pick up the kettle. All she wanted was to make hot chocolate and easter buns, a nice choice for breakfast over the easter break.

She was really looking forward to that hot chocolate. She was hoping the comforting liquid warmth would ease the tension and line her stomach before she had to take her daily medication routine. She smelled the chocolate wafting from the cup as she poured the steaming water in and sighed.

She picked up the cup and searing pain in her wrist bones made her falter for a second. The cup fell to the ground, breaking, and the liquid she desperately craved spread across the floor. Hot tears fell on her pink cheeks, angry with herself for not being able to do the most simple of things. She knows it’s not always this bad, she knows there are some good days and she knows this isn’t one of them. And today, she is cranky. She tries to remind herself that it’s okay to feel that way, even the psych told her that it was to be expected. But today, the whole situation makes her cranky. Cranky with herself for feeling the way she does, cranky that her body wont co-operate, cranky that she cant just do what other kids can do.

She looked across the kitchen at me and shrugged as she started to tidy the mess. I know better than to try and help. That just makes her feel more useless, more hopeless. She  tidies up and goes back to her bedroom, crawls into her bed and cries.

I go to the store and pick the prettiest bunch of flowers I can afford, go home and put them in a vase and knock lightly on her door.

She smiles when she sees them and says ‘oh Mama, its hard to be cranky looking at such beautiful flowers’.


Daily Prompt

False – Daily Prompt

Sometimes, after a life-changing event, it’s difficult to remember who you were before the event. I know everyone has those events that mark their soul so deeply, that being the same person afterwards is impossible.

As a 30something who has spent 20 years in love with the same man, in a relationship with him for almost 14 years, when it all ended I didn’t even know who I was. And I made some crazy big changes pretty quickly. Because I felt that if I didn’t move forward, I would completely spiral backwards into oblivion. So I moved forward in whatever way I could think of. I did everything I could to keep myself busy to ensure that the emptiness I was feeling inside couldn’t settle in and get comfortable.

I was incredibly false with the people around me, removed myself from situations that would require me to be real or vulnerable, and now almost a year down the track I still have moments that I am not really sure who I am. I think the person I was most false with was myself.

These days, I am not only trying to be as real and authentic as I can, but I am learning who I am every day. My relationships with lots of people have changed and that is largely due to me having been false with them when I couldn’t be vulnerable. But I also think its down to the fact that in learning who I am now, I can sometimes come across as false to the people who know me. I think there are people in my life who are not receptive to the changes I am trying to make and perhaps they think that I am being dishonest with myself.

I have made changes in my life that are so far removed from who I was in that relationship, that there are days that I question whether I am being real. I know that at the moment the best thing I can do for me (and for the people who rely on me) is make the best choices I can make with the information I have at the time. And if that comes across as fake or false, that’s not my problem. I actually think I kinda like this version of me.

Simply

Synn xx

False – Daily Prompt

Glass – Daily Prompt

It’s been an exhausting day… an emotional day. I saw the daily prompt and immediately this song came to mind and try as I might, I couldn’t improve on the lyrics alone. So, I thought I’d share it here đŸ™‚

Lyrics for Heart Of Glass By Blondie

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losin’ my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

In between
What I find is pleasing and I’m feelin’ fine
Love is so confusing there’s no peace of mind
If I fear I’m losin’ you it’s just no good
You teasing like you do

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

Lost inside
Adorable illusion and I cannot hide
I’m the one you’re using, please don’t push me aside
We could-a made it cruising, yeah

Yeah, ridin’ high on love’s true bluish light

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind

In between
What I find is pleasing and I’m feelin’ fine
Love is so confusing there’s no peace of mind
If I fear I’m losin’ you it’s just no good
You teasing like you do

It’s just no good
You teasing like you do

It’s just no good
You teasing like you do

Singing along,

Synn xx

Glass – Daily Prompt

Darkness – Daily Prompt

Darkness is an interesting concept. Darkness for me has nothing to do with how bright my environment is. Darkness is a feeling, an emotion maybe. Darkness is something I feel like I am constantly on the run from.

Being someone who grew up with depression and anxiety, not just for myself but within my family, the darkness is the bit that I associate with those things. Retreating to my room when life was all too hard to handle. The kind of darkness that seems to be inside you, and encompassing you and radiating from you.

When I was younger, depression wasn’t something that was talked about with kids, certainly not something that was so readily acknowledged in schools. So, more often than not, I believed I was the only person feeling that way.

Even now, the darkness is always there, lingering – and I flee when I feel it creeping up.

I was lucky enough to realise what all the scariness was and got myself a really great psychologist, who was able to teach me coping mechanisms that I now use on a daily basis. Sometimes without even thinking about it. Those coping skills are now second nature. I am so thankful that the stigma surrounding mental illness is decreasing. I know it definitely still has a long way to go, but it is getting better. The fact that schools are teaching and enlightening kids with information that is actually realistic, and trying to inform them that there are other options is just a start on what is going to be a really long journey. I think those coping skills should be being taught more in schools now.

Darkness is scary and can take your breath away. Darkness can feel hopeless. But if we can find just a little happiness in every day, the darkness seems a little further away.

Signing off

Synn xx

Daily Post Prompt