13 Reasons Why

So, I just finished binge watching this new series on Netflix. The show conveys the fictional story of Hannah Baker, who left behind a series of audio cassettes detailing the reasons why she chose to end her life. Based on a book released by Jay Asher which became hugely popular.


I had tried to read the book when it was first released in 2007 but realized quite early on in the text that I just wasn’t in the right headspace to continue. That seems a little strange to me now because though I hadn’t thought of it til just now, I don’t very often not finish a book when I start. Even if its utter rubbish, I generally continue because I like to have hope that the by the end it will have proven its worth. This was a difficult series to watch for a lot of reasons. It was difficult because I watched and thought of my children. About how damn terrifying high school can be, how cruel kids can be to each other……. It was difficult to watch and not see myself in some of those characters. I know I am not alone when I say it, but I knew how Hannah felt. So many of her experiences were totally normal teenage experiences – but that doesn’t change how totally fkn shitful those experiences can feel.

I still feel that way at times and it can be a mission to find your way out of the darkness. I am in my mid 30’s and I still have a pack of those razor blades, tucked away in the box of all the stuff (hidden in the safe) that I cant bring myself to look at anymore. I have even thought so far ahead that I am the only person who can get into the safe. Not that I think I’ll ever use them but they are there. I should probably go through that box someday when I am feeling strong. Isn’t it strange that we all keep these memory things tucked away because they are so important but don’t go through them because its too hard to deal with the emotional stuff that goes with it.

The series was beautifully made and the cast were incredible. I was so moved by the message in the series and there were certainly some elements of the series that were confronting and made to encourage the viewer to analyze the reasons behind why suicide rates continue to rise, even with major government intervention and millions of dollars being invested in anti-bullying campaigns. But honestly, the series was incredibly overwhelming. The suicide scene was graphic and in the moment watching it, my first thought was ‘shit, is this a fkn instruction guide for every teen who has ever considered it’?. It was intense and gave me chills. Her mother found her in the bath, having cut her wrists open. And that scene was horrifying, like something I imagine is every parents nightmare.  Years ago, a girl I went to school with took her own life and that was back in the day when suicide was heard about but nothing like as common as it seems to be these days. And through her entire funeral, I couldn’t take my eyes off her beautiful mum, who looked… haunted.

Overall, I am torn by the entire concept of the show/story. Hannah wanted to ensure that the people who she thought contributed to her decision to end her life, knew exactly how they had influenced her. But in the process of leaving those tapes, she aired the laundry and secrets of 13 people, information that could destroy people along the way. 13 peoples lives who are forever changed, good bad or ugly, because she felt the need to make sure that each and every one of them was never the same. (And then she ended her life and wasn’t there to explain, or do damage control). I am torn, and I am unsure how I feel about it all. I know that I had considered the kids watching this series, after all they are teenagers living in the same world as the main characters – but I cant allow my kids that sort of experience without having to do some damage control myself. I don’t think it would be a bad idea for the kids to read the book, at least the scenes could only be as graphic as their imagination allows.

Parenting is hard. I strive everyday to do the best I can, but watching this made me feel powerless. Its a scary world we live in.

Saddened,

Synn xx

Still moving forward…

Hey there! Its been a long week huh? Don’t stress, we’ll get through it together. 

So a couple of weeks ago I posted about how life was getting a little full on. Stuff with the ex, stuff with the kids, stuff with the house – well it was all just kinda shitful. And I was letting it get that way by being passive, letting shit happen, feeling like it was out of my control so letting it get more and more out of control. I not very good in situations I cannot control.

One thing I did realize though is that each of these ‘episodes’ are lasting less time. I am becoming aware of it sooner and jumping into making the changes necessary. That doesn’t mean I don’t fall back into those old patterns but I’m seeing personal growth each time. I see the patterns and I jump in sooner, to make the changes and get on with whatever it is that needs to be done. Life is difficult at the moment, but I am not alone in that. Everyone goes through phases where its all freaking craziness and chaos. All I can do is what I can see needs to be done. 

This morning I escaped for a little while and before I knew it I had walked for hours and it was time to pick up the kids from school. But in that long lonely walk I gave myself the ass kicking that I needed and made a plan of attack. 


This is going to be the current motto and I am going to say it as many times a day as I need to get through each bit as it happens. And whatever happens from here I am going to manage the hell out of it. 

On another note, I have made a new friend. Well, I think maybe I am making a new friend. It’s an odd friendship I guess, but I am thankful for this person. She is different to my usual friends and has such a great perspective on life, and maybe that is exactly what I need right now.

And by the way, that clothesline I was going to put up – well I screwed up and was in the process of chucking a major tantrum, but in walked the ex, ever the knight in shining armour, and he saved the day again. He fixed my screw up and finished the installation and the weird bit was, I think he was actually kinda proud of me for trying to do it myself, even though I didn’t get it completely right. And that felt good. I wish he had been proud of me before, but he is still someone whose opinion matters to me, so I’ll take it. 

Stomping,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt – Elixir

Hey there… Thought I might jump back in here and try and clear the blockage that seems to be banging around inside me at the moment. 

When I first saw the prompt for today, it conjured all sorts of images. Firstly of Alice in Wonderland and the dainty little bottles she sipped from causing all sorts of chaos, then the medications that roll around in my drawer and in the pit of my stomach every morning, and finally, the enormous delicious bottle of vanilla Vodka in the pantry. I googled the meaning of the word elixir and Dictionary.com had this result;

Truth is, for me at least, that love was the elixir. I think of all the shit stuff in this world and think that perhaps if everyone acted with a little love, and if everyone felt love, then maybe the world and all its catastrophe wouldn’t feel so – overwhelming. Maybe if there was an elixir for all of us, to take the pain away, fix mistakes, cure illnesses, offer guidance, whatever the need might be, maybe there wouldn’t be so many people fumbling through life in this weird haze that seems to be happening now.

Tonight, that bottle of Vodka is tucked away in the pantry but don’t think I cant hear it all calling my name. A little elixir to make me forget for a minute, to help me get a good night sleep, to just make all the noise stop for a minute, to take away the loneliness. I know it isn’t the elixir, the cure-all for whatever ails me, and as someone who has seen what addiction does to a family, as someone who suffers from poor mental health, I won’t partake in that particular idea of elixir… but tonight, I understand why some people do.

Seeking,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt – Elixir

Meaningless rambling

Well hey there! If there’s anybody out there reading, it’s been a while since I posted. I seem to have lost a little bit of the anonymity I sought out here and that scared the crap out of me. So, I am just going to throw it out there – if you are reading this and you know me personally, and you wouldn’t pick up the phone to check in for a chat then stop reading! Just go make a pot of tea or something and pretend that you never stumbled across this silly little page, because I simply cant be freakin bothered to transfer all this shit to a new domain.

And now that’s done! (Seriously, if you’re still reading then its totally at your own risk at this point).

Seems kinda weird to me that I haven’t written here since January, this year is totally flying by. Kinda crazy to think that we really haven’t stopped, but I don’t feel like I have actually done anything. Well that’s kinda untrue… I have done a lot around the house, started painting walls, organized fixing the bathrooms (haven’t quite mastered plumbing as yet) and tomorrow’s mission is to install a folding clothes line against the back fence. I haven’t had a clothes line since I moved in here and I have a stack of quilts and blankets that stink like moth balls after being stored away over summer.

Its kinda weird to me that just 2 years ago I was playing ‘Hannah Homemaker’, cooking gourmet meals for a precious little family, volunteering at the school and sewing beautiful quilts in my spare time. I read that and as much as it makes me feel old, I think I was happy. I am struggling with happy still, no surprise there. I guess that ultimately this life isn’t exactly what I had thought it would be. Im struggling with old habits and anxieties. Things have taken a weird turn with the ex and I find myself once again completely baffled by him. I am trying to be the best mum I can be but managing crazy hormonal teenagers is harder than I ever imagined. And doing it solo to kids who we have raised to be outspoken and opinionated – well lets just say I am rethinking that now too. They are great kids, freakin amazing incredible wonderful kids, but let me make it clear – they are certainly very vocal these days.

I hate living alone. I hate sleeping alone. I am trying really hard to be more self-sufficient and stand on my own two feet but honestly I miss having a partner in crime, someone who gave a shit how my day was. I miss having someone to take care of. Im fucking lonely. 

So I just keep meandering through the puddle that is life and doing whatever as it needs to be done. I am trying so hard to make this house a home but feel like I am failing miserably. 

I wish I had something more positive to share, and Ill try and get my shit together before I post next. And now its raining. Does anyone know if its safe to use a battery operated drill in the rain? Because I really need to install this fkn clothesline tomorrow. 

Sinking… fast!

Synn xx

Disposable?

I have seen some nasty divorces in my time. Straight up slanging matches and court appearances and horrible arguments over kids and custody and who gets the damn dog. I guess that was a good lesson for me, because I certainly learnt how not to behave.

The separation from my ex was clean. None of that poisonous shit that damages people in the long-term. I know it was hard on my kids, but it would have been a whole lot worse of their father and I had been on a mission to destroy each other. I am really proud of the fact that I haven’t slagged him off, not to them or to anyone else. And I am 100% certain that they have coped better than they would have if they had seen us hating on each other.

And it would have been really easy to hate him. Being cheated on and then cast aside for the shiny new toy was fkn hurtful.

But I had another little life lesson today, that hit me like a tonne of bricks from out of nowhere. I am disposable. Not just to him, but to an entire extended family that I adored. I have always valued family, as screwed up and dysfunctional as mine are, it has always been important to me. And I worked hard to create an amazing little family of my own, including brothers and sisters in law who I love as much as the rest of them. Those people were a bigger feature in my life than my blood relatives most of the time and my experience of family was so much richer for having had them in it.

When we first separated I talked to the extended family and made sure that they knew how important they were to me and that I didn’t want to lose them just because I was no longer with their brother. You would think that having people in your life for 10+ years would give it some concrete stability. But that wasn’t the case here.

Overall, it really just makes me sad. My kids are missing out on having their aunt, uncle and cousin in their lives and I am missing out on my gorgeous niece. And there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. When we separated and his new girlfriend came on the scene, I kept all the nasty details to myself. I didn’t want anyone to think less of him and maybe I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. Somehow I was ashamed of being cheated on, like his actions were indicative of my worth. I am a little ashamed now that I let that define me.

I am doing a lot better these days, though still regularly falling into the habit of letting the old shit creep in. I am still a little broken and beaten down, but I think I am making progress. Just reminding myself everyday that as long as I keep moving forward I’ll be okay.

Saddened,

Synn xx

 

Whatever will be, will be?

Hey there, you! How’s your day been? New year treating you well so far?

Its been an interesting start to the new year here. At the end of last year I had my youngest in and out of specialist offices and diagnostic testing, to discover that the kiddo has Rheumatoid Arthritis. Another auto-immune disease in the family. My heart broke, and I was incredibly relieved all at once. Heart broken because the early testing on the kid was becoming more and more invasive and the results were becoming more and more scary. At one point there, a specialist discussed with me that we needed to NOT research what was happening online – that although the results were scary there was nothing guaranteed until we looked a little closer. I knew what the doctor was saying and I completely understood. I didn’t look online because I was fkn terrified. I knew that a lot of what we were seeing were commonly seen in kids with Leukaemia diagnosis and I was scared senseless. The relief came when we were finally given the diagnosis, purely because it wasn’t Leukaemia.

The Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis was still a major shock to the system though. Medication and dosage has been a big hit too, it’s scary to see my kiddo hurting, and more horrible still to see that the medication at the moment seems to be making her sicker. In situations like this I would usually hold off on making decisions and do some research, see what sort of natural or alternative therapies we could try. But the symptoms at this point are just too advanced to wait so here we are. Trying to maintain high spirits and stay focussed on healthy and happy. She has some days when the pain is horrible, but I can see hope of it being better and that what I’m trying to stick with. She is a tough cookie and I have had a couple of moments now where I have been so completely overwhelmed with pride. Like when she came home with a bunch of flowers, that she bought for herself. She wanted to feel better and fresh flowers cheer her up. In that moment, I knew she would be okay. Whatever comes next, she is a tough cookie and she’ll be okay. And I have got her back all the way.

The one thing I realised in this is that I really am solo parenting these days. I kept the ex in the loop with all this stuff, and he was concerned and supportive, but at no point did he ask or offer to come along to any of the appointments and I had to really hold back from asking him to be there. It would have been really great to have him there to support her, and if I’m completely honest, I could have done with him being there too. I would have loved for him to be there. But it is what it is right?

I’m focussing on the future, staying positive and taking care of me and mine. The recent health scares have started us on a bit of a health kick and I have been doing more around the house, trying to make this little space of ours more homely. I have no doubt this new year is going to be a new adventure than anything we have faced before, but we got this shit!

Striving,

Synn xx

The struggle is real!

Far out, this parenting gig is hard sometimes. Last night was a complete clusterf*ck of epic proportions. Ended with 2 kids in tears and this hot mess Mama sitting on the bathroom floor puking. My kids are struggling, after almost 2 years of their dad and I being separated, they are still struggling.

I’m not sure if its the same in all relationships but my kids are the most important people in my life and right now – nothing I can say or do is enough for them. They don’t want to have anything to do with their father’s girlfriend. They absolutely cant stand her, and the bit that scares me is that they are making real sense. It would be easier if they were just being shit heads who were pitching a fit because they don’t like something (like brussel sprouts) but they aren’t. They are desperate to know why there seems to be a different set of rules for them than there is for dad’s girlfriend. And I tried to explain that there had to be a different set of rules, they are his children and she is his girlfriend. But when she is behaving like an immature brat and is closer to their age than his… well its difficult to fucking explain.

My son is indifferent to her, and my daughter – well, she’s jealous. And she delivered up some pretty harsh fucking truths to me. She called bullshit on the girlfriends behaviour and kicked my arse for trying to justify what happens. Kicked my arse for making excuses for him letting her down. But what the hell am I supposed to say to her?

I don’t know what else to do, or how to make this all okay for them. So for last night, I held them and cuddled them til they stopped crying, then tucked them into their beds just like I have done every night since he left. And then I went and had a big horrible cry until I threw up, and sat on that bathroom floor and gave thanks that I get that privilege. That I am the one that gets to tuck them in every night and that we have the sort of relationship where they can tell me all of that gut-wrenching shit, even when its horrible and we all end up sobbing and snotty nosed.

And this morning, I woke them up early and rushed them through breakfast and skipped chores so that we could escape together and go on an adventure.

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We jumped in the car and headed down south, not really certain on where we were going, singing stupid songs at the top of our lungs. We ended up at a lake that I had always wanted to go to, that we had always talked about going to as a family. So we did. I think it has finally sunk in, that the family unit has morphed a little now. That if I still want all those things I had better find a way to be brave enough to do them, sometimes with my kidlets, sometimes on my own. The elements of this life might not fit the mould of what I thought they would be like, but there is a way to make it all work still. I’m just gonna have to be a little brave…

Scared shitless,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt: Renewal

When I saw this prompt I felt a little overwhelmed! Life has kinda kicked my ass this last couple of months and this week with all the Christmas chaos, I have definitely felt some renewal is necessary in my life. The problem is, I don’t even know where to start…

We spent Christmas with family and extended family and my ex was here for the whole thing. His girlfriend was away for Christmas with her own family, and the kids were stoked to have their dad all to themselves. I was happy to have him with us too. It felt like old times, him kicking back with the kids while I was in the kitchen preparing enough food to feed a small army, watching him cracking stupid jokes with my dad and telling my brother about his latest motorbike adventure… I missed having my family together.

Then his girlfriend came back early, and I’m left with 2 heart broken kids and a complete mess. I really thought I was doing the right thing by having him spend the holiday with us all but clearly, nothing has changed. Were one dysfunctional bunch of weirdos that no matter how much love there is – its just not going to be enough for him. Whatever that even means!

Renewal… I guess the best place to start will be with my car registration! At least that’s easy!

via Daily Prompt: Renewal

Transformation

Hey hey hey…

My posts have been a little intermittent, only because life has been kicking my ass. I have been lurking in the background, reading lots of new blogs and I have to say there are some amazing writers here in the blogosphere. I love reading in general but blogging opens up a whole new category of reading for me. Having access to an unlimited library of whatever I am interested in and being able to gain insight into others opinions and ideas is nothing short of mind blowing for me. I am blown away by technology in general but the technology in which we are all able to share here on the world wide web (if we choose to) is so rapidly changing that it can be difficult to keep up.

I had a conversation with my kidlets the other day about how the internet is constantly changing and sometimes its hard to feel like you have a real grasp of that technology. My kids have grown up in a world where they can find the answer to almost any question by simply entering the question into an internet search bar. I don’t feel like it was so very long ago that I was in school and the internet wasn’t even available in classrooms – and then there’s my parents who don’t seem to have any idea how it all works, and in my dad’s case no real desire to learn!

The internet allows us to interact on a whole new level and I am so thankful to be part of a world in which the internet enables us the ability to share with each other so easily.

Huge thanks to everyone who shares from their own little corner of the WWW.

 

via Daily Prompt: Transformation

Longest Winter ever?

Here in Western Australia, the seasons are generally pretty dry (compared to most places) but we have had quite a bit of rain this year so far. Even today, early October and its still raining – which is really strange! I am not a huge fan of the heat, so while I am not overly excited about Summer, I am longing for Spring.

The bad weather is however giving me lots of time to get the never-ending TO DO list started. Buying this house, knowing that it needed work, was probably the scariest risk I have ever taken. Up until fairly recently I had a husband who handled the majority of maintenance so this has been an adventure and I have learnt a lot. I have spent the last couple of days learning how to hang picture frames.

That sounds weird – such a little task and I needed to be taught? Truth is, I never thought I would be in a position where I would need to know this stuff. And I am kicking myself now, because my ex-husband is an incredibly talented handyman. Perhaps if I had been more willing and eager to learn I wouldn’t feel so hopeless in some of these tasks? But then, I never thought I would need to learn those tasks! Argh, if hindsight were 20/20 right?

So far, there has been;

  • a leak in the hot water system (and at risk of sounding like a dumbass, I wasn’t sure if I should call a plumber or someone else)
  • a temperamental leaky toilet (which was kinda flushing on its own, as if it had been taken over by some weird toilet nymph)
  • a blockage in the pool pump (that I fixed myself with the help of a youtube video!)
  • a minor issue with a piece of furniture falling over and smashing a hole into a wardrobe door
  • replacing the runner wheely bits on the sliding glass door, which was an absolute shit of a job (after somehow managing to knock it off the runner and locking myself outside for 4 hours in the cold while running out to quickly feed the dog)

I have also had to;

  • had the roller shutters installed on the front windows (when I don’t even have flyscreens on every window yet!)
  • had the security doors installed on all major doors
  • changed and replaced all door knobs and locks

Oh and did I mention my car died? I get a little scared of car mechanics and stuff – I know how to check the water and oil and tyre pressure but when it comes to alarms going off and lights on the dash flashing… well I was pretty fkn nervous driving it actually. It was going to cost more to fix it than the car was worth, so even thought I loved that car it was time for an upgrade. My poor savings is looking more and more dismal by the day, but I have a reliable vehicle now and she’s pretty awesome!

I miss having a husband. Not just in trying to do all these maintenance tasks, but I miss having someone to bounce ideas off on, like what colour to paint a room or whether or not I should use the electric sander or do it manually… but at least the pictures are up on the wall right?

Slaving away,

Synn xx