Whatever will be, will be?

Hey there, you! How’s your day been? New year treating you well so far?

Its been an interesting start to the new year here. At the end of last year I had my youngest in and out of specialist offices and diagnostic testing, to discover that the kiddo has Rheumatoid Arthritis. Another auto-immune disease in the family. My heart broke, and I was incredibly relieved all at once. Heart broken because the early testing on the kid was becoming more and more invasive and the results were becoming more and more scary. At one point there, a specialist discussed with me that we needed to NOT research what was happening online – that although the results were scary there was nothing guaranteed until we looked a little closer. I knew what the doctor was saying and I completely understood. I didn’t look online because I was fkn terrified. I knew that a lot of what we were seeing were commonly seen in kids with Leukaemia diagnosis and I was scared senseless. The relief came when we were finally given the diagnosis, purely because it wasn’t Leukaemia.

The Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis was still a major shock to the system though. Medication and dosage has been a big hit too, it’s scary to see my kiddo hurting, and more horrible still to see that the medication at the moment seems to be making her sicker. In situations like this I would usually hold off on making decisions and do some research, see what sort of natural or alternative therapies we could try. But the symptoms at this point are just too advanced to wait so here we are. Trying to maintain high spirits and stay focussed on healthy and happy. She has some days when the pain is horrible, but I can see hope of it being better and that what I’m trying to stick with. She is a tough cookie and I have had a couple of moments now where I have been so completely overwhelmed with pride. Like when she came home with a bunch of flowers, that she bought for herself. She wanted to feel better and fresh flowers cheer her up. In that moment, I knew she would be okay. Whatever comes next, she is a tough cookie and she’ll be okay. And I have got her back all the way.

The one thing I realised in this is that I really am solo parenting these days. I kept the ex in the loop with all this stuff, and he was concerned and supportive, but at no point did he ask or offer to come along to any of the appointments and I had to really hold back from asking him to be there. It would have been really great to have him there to support her, and if I’m completely honest, I could have done with him being there too. I would have loved for him to be there. But it is what it is right?

I’m focussing on the future, staying positive and taking care of me and mine. The recent health scares have started us on a bit of a health kick and I have been doing more around the house, trying to make this little space of ours more homely. I have no doubt this new year is going to be a new adventure than anything we have faced before, but we got this shit!

Striving,

Synn xx

The struggle is real!

Far out, this parenting gig is hard sometimes. Last night was a complete clusterf*ck of epic proportions. Ended with 2 kids in tears and this hot mess Mama sitting on the bathroom floor puking. My kids are struggling, after almost 2 years of their dad and I being separated, they are still struggling.

I’m not sure if its the same in all relationships but my kids are the most important people in my life and right now – nothing I can say or do is enough for them. They don’t want to have anything to do with their father’s girlfriend. They absolutely cant stand her, and the bit that scares me is that they are making real sense. It would be easier if they were just being shit heads who were pitching a fit because they don’t like something (like brussel sprouts) but they aren’t. They are desperate to know why there seems to be a different set of rules for them than there is for dad’s girlfriend. And I tried to explain that there had to be a different set of rules, they are his children and she is his girlfriend. But when she is behaving like an immature brat and is closer to their age than his… well its difficult to fucking explain.

My son is indifferent to her, and my daughter – well, she’s jealous. And she delivered up some pretty harsh fucking truths to me. She called bullshit on the girlfriends behaviour and kicked my arse for trying to justify what happens. Kicked my arse for making excuses for him letting her down. But what the hell am I supposed to say to her?

I don’t know what else to do, or how to make this all okay for them. So for last night, I held them and cuddled them til they stopped crying, then tucked them into their beds just like I have done every night since he left. And then I went and had a big horrible cry until I threw up, and sat on that bathroom floor and gave thanks that I get that privilege. That I am the one that gets to tuck them in every night and that we have the sort of relationship where they can tell me all of that gut-wrenching shit, even when its horrible and we all end up sobbing and snotty nosed.

And this morning, I woke them up early and rushed them through breakfast and skipped chores so that we could escape together and go on an adventure.

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We jumped in the car and headed down south, not really certain on where we were going, singing stupid songs at the top of our lungs. We ended up at a lake that I had always wanted to go to, that we had always talked about going to as a family. So we did. I think it has finally sunk in, that the family unit has morphed a little now. That if I still want all those things I had better find a way to be brave enough to do them, sometimes with my kidlets, sometimes on my own. The elements of this life might not fit the mould of what I thought they would be like, but there is a way to make it all work still. I’m just gonna have to be a little brave…

Scared shitless,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt: Renewal

When I saw this prompt I felt a little overwhelmed! Life has kinda kicked my ass this last couple of months and this week with all the Christmas chaos, I have definitely felt some renewal is necessary in my life. The problem is, I don’t even know where to start…

We spent Christmas with family and extended family and my ex was here for the whole thing. His girlfriend was away for Christmas with her own family, and the kids were stoked to have their dad all to themselves. I was happy to have him with us too. It felt like old times, him kicking back with the kids while I was in the kitchen preparing enough food to feed a small army, watching him cracking stupid jokes with my dad and telling my brother about his latest motorbike adventure… I missed having my family together.

Then his girlfriend came back early, and I’m left with 2 heart broken kids and a complete mess. I really thought I was doing the right thing by having him spend the holiday with us all but clearly, nothing has changed. Were one dysfunctional bunch of weirdos that no matter how much love there is – its just not going to be enough for him. Whatever that even means!

Renewal… I guess the best place to start will be with my car registration! At least that’s easy!

via Daily Prompt: Renewal

Transformation

Hey hey hey…

My posts have been a little intermittent, only because life has been kicking my ass. I have been lurking in the background, reading lots of new blogs and I have to say there are some amazing writers here in the blogosphere. I love reading in general but blogging opens up a whole new category of reading for me. Having access to an unlimited library of whatever I am interested in and being able to gain insight into others opinions and ideas is nothing short of mind blowing for me. I am blown away by technology in general but the technology in which we are all able to share here on the world wide web (if we choose to) is so rapidly changing that it can be difficult to keep up.

I had a conversation with my kidlets the other day about how the internet is constantly changing and sometimes its hard to feel like you have a real grasp of that technology. My kids have grown up in a world where they can find the answer to almost any question by simply entering the question into an internet search bar. I don’t feel like it was so very long ago that I was in school and the internet wasn’t even available in classrooms – and then there’s my parents who don’t seem to have any idea how it all works, and in my dad’s case no real desire to learn!

The internet allows us to interact on a whole new level and I am so thankful to be part of a world in which the internet enables us the ability to share with each other so easily.

Huge thanks to everyone who shares from their own little corner of the WWW.

 

via Daily Prompt: Transformation

Longest Winter ever?

Here in Western Australia, the seasons are generally pretty dry (compared to most places) but we have had quite a bit of rain this year so far. Even today, early October and its still raining – which is really strange! I am not a huge fan of the heat, so while I am not overly excited about Summer, I am longing for Spring.

The bad weather is however giving me lots of time to get the never-ending TO DO list started. Buying this house, knowing that it needed work, was probably the scariest risk I have ever taken. Up until fairly recently I had a husband who handled the majority of maintenance so this has been an adventure and I have learnt a lot. I have spent the last couple of days learning how to hang picture frames.

That sounds weird – such a little task and I needed to be taught? Truth is, I never thought I would be in a position where I would need to know this stuff. And I am kicking myself now, because my ex-husband is an incredibly talented handyman. Perhaps if I had been more willing and eager to learn I wouldn’t feel so hopeless in some of these tasks? But then, I never thought I would need to learn those tasks! Argh, if hindsight were 20/20 right?

So far, there has been;

  • a leak in the hot water system (and at risk of sounding like a dumbass, I wasn’t sure if I should call a plumber or someone else)
  • a temperamental leaky toilet (which was kinda flushing on its own, as if it had been taken over by some weird toilet nymph)
  • a blockage in the pool pump (that I fixed myself with the help of a youtube video!)
  • a minor issue with a piece of furniture falling over and smashing a hole into a wardrobe door
  • replacing the runner wheely bits on the sliding glass door, which was an absolute shit of a job (after somehow managing to knock it off the runner and locking myself outside for 4 hours in the cold while running out to quickly feed the dog)

I have also had to;

  • had the roller shutters installed on the front windows (when I don’t even have flyscreens on every window yet!)
  • had the security doors installed on all major doors
  • changed and replaced all door knobs and locks

Oh and did I mention my car died? I get a little scared of car mechanics and stuff – I know how to check the water and oil and tyre pressure but when it comes to alarms going off and lights on the dash flashing… well I was pretty fkn nervous driving it actually. It was going to cost more to fix it than the car was worth, so even thought I loved that car it was time for an upgrade. My poor savings is looking more and more dismal by the day, but I have a reliable vehicle now and she’s pretty awesome!

I miss having a husband. Not just in trying to do all these maintenance tasks, but I miss having someone to bounce ideas off on, like what colour to paint a room or whether or not I should use the electric sander or do it manually… but at least the pictures are up on the wall right?

Slaving away,

Synn xx

 

Tony Robbins – I Am Not Your Guru

This big old life has me a little rattled at the moment. Everything is so busy and there is so much to do that having time to actually write and polish something here has been another job on the to-do list, so there is about a dozen posts sitting in my drafts folder that are waiting to be finished. But in trying to keep moving forward and stay up to date, this post is getting published!

I am feeling lost at the moment and I’m looking for something. I don’t know what I am looking for but I am in this journey of discovery – about myself, and life and everything in general. I grew up in a semi-religious environment, was christened into a church and everything but it never really hit home for me. All of the upheaval in the last year or so has left my fumbling and I have found myself trying to establish some sort of grounding techniques. I have been practicing gratitude and using some affirmations just in the hope of making it through each day, but I feel like I am not doing it properly. Like maybe I am just not quite getting it right? I don’t know what the all means and where I can fix it, but I am looking.

Anyway, last night the insomnia was kicking my butt and I was flicking through Netflix at 4am, and I found a doco type film on Tony Robbins. Now I had heard of Tony Robbins before now, everyone has, right? 

Believer or non-believer, I think everyone has heard of him or has seen/heard something about him. I remember hearing someone talking about one of his books one day and thinking that it was another self-help scam. 

Insert the Donkey from Shrek here, singing ‘I’m a believer’. This is probably going to sound a little nuts but hearing him speak and seeing the faces of the audience members maybe me think – well maybe it is real. And the second he swore I was convinced! 

All day today I have been walking around feeling giddy. Something about this doco has really made me think. I know I need to do some serious research here but honestly I was so inspired by watching this man sharing his techniques with the audience that I was wanting to know more. I was inspired! The link to the doco is here Tony Robbins – I Am Not Your Guru and from what I can gather, this is just one of the many seminars that Tony holds. There were moments watching this where I was brought to tears and completely covered in goosebumps. Seeing people who are desperately wanting to change their lives and then sharing their stories is just incredible. It was kind of like what I imagine the churches in America are like and that was pretty mind-blowing. I have a girlfriend who is a Mormon and I have always been a little envious of her faith and her ability to believe and in that moment I could see how this man has such a huge following. 

I have a bucket list and it has remained pretty steady for the last couple of years but that changed today. I dug out that journal and had a look through all that stuff and added a new item. I want to see this guy live. I want to be there and be apart of that and I want to feel the inspiration that I saw those people feel. It might take me a while, but I’m going to do it. 

SO if you are out there reading, tell me how you get/stay inspired? What gets you hyped up to make shit happen?

And better still – are you a believer?

Searching,

Synn xx

And then Beyoncé made Lemonade…

Isn’t Beyoncé a super sexy woman! I’ll admit, I haven’t always been a big fan – as a teen I liked her in Destiny’s Child and then she had a few hits that I loved, but in the latest album I think I developed a true girl crush. It seems Beyoncé and I have something in common now, and no it’s certainly not that incredible voice she is so blessed with! Beyoncé and I have both been cheated on by men that we adore (some say it’s all a publicity stunt but I believe it – her reaction and the feel of the entire album is way too intense for this to all be fake).

When rumors started circulating that Jay-Z and Beyoncé were experiencing marital issues, I rolled my eyes and moved on to the next page in the magazine. I don’t even remember what the magazine was but I was at the doctors waiting and remember thinking, ‘well f*ck, I’m so glad the media isn’t involved in my marital dramas’. I have always enjoyed people watching and been interested in how people interact and react but I have never enjoyed reading/seeing/hearing crap like that. These celebrities are completely scrutinized for their every move and it seems like they have no privacy. When my ex told me he was leaving me, he had already moved on, and still I didn’t discuss the situation with anyone for a couple of weeks. By that stage I had isolated myself quite a bit (anxiety over knowing my relationship was I trouble I guess) and there wasn’t anyone around on a regular enough basis to notice. So whether it was the right or wrong thing to do, I knew I couldn’t talk about it without falling apart, and I just didn’t. Obviously when people asked how or where he was I told them, but I didn’t do the usual girly thing and call everyone and announce that he had left me. Honestly, I was shitting myself about how other people would react. I was scared of disappointing people, worried about dealing with judgement and dreading telling those people who told me it wouldn’t last. There weren’t many of them but there were a few and I was hurt to know that they* would be pleased to be right. 

Anyway, getting sidetracked here. At the MTV VMA awards this year Beyoncé put on the performance of a lifetime and my little heart was beating out of my chest. The performance included some re-enactment of the video she made to accompany her latest album. The link for the video is below and absolutely rocked my world. The girl is bold and brave as hell, and said out loud a lot of the things I am not brave enough to even think. There is a scene where she walks up the street with a baseball bat and smashes some car windows and then jumps in a great big tank and runs over stuff. I am not saying that kinda behaviour is okay but the girl does CRAZY really well! I am not sure what Beyoncé hoped to achieve but she absolutely proved to anyone that might question (or perhaps have forgotten) how freakin amazing she is.


Http://beef alert.com/2016/04/Beyonce-lemonade-full-movie/

If you have ever been cheated on, watch it.
If you have ever cheated on someone, watch it. 
If you are or have ever been a side bitch, watch it.

I guess even after all this, I still can’t get my head around why people cheat. I don’t understand why people don’t just finish up the relationship they are in before moving onto the next one. It’s difficult to be the one that’s been cheated on but I am not silly enough to believe it’s easy for the other parties involved. Wait, that’s not quite right. I hope it isn’t easy for the other parties involved because… Well it’s just a fkn asshole thing to do. 

Jay-Z seems to be very quiet at the moment, perhaps keeping a low profile. I am not quite sure what all that means, but I hope it’s only because he trying to find a way to make up for his indiscretions, and not because he is hanging out with ‘Becky with the good hair’ …

Singing along, 

Synn xx
*For the record, those people are no longer in my life. They were pleased to know that they were right about our relationship not working and it was a big lesson for me. I realized those people were in my life because I made an effort to maintain contact, so once they had the satisfaction of knowing my relationship was over, I never called and neither did they. 

Parenting struggle!

‘Have kids’ they said… ‘It’ll be fun’, they said! This is just a barrel of laughs, right?


Some days I am not sure what the issue is about taking the rubbish out! When it is the same job you have been doing for a couple of years – every day – after being reminded – yet somehow I forgot is apparently a perfectly acceptable reason for why the rubbish bin is overflowing and we have resorted to dumping the rubbish around the bin. You know, not actually in the bin, just in the general vicinity of the bin! Reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons where no one wants to take out the trash and the pile just grows and grows.


I know it seems petty but it is honestly one of the things that I try to stay tough on! It would be so much easier to just get it done myself but I worry. Adulting  is hard work and eventually these monkeys of mine are going to have to go out and find jobs out there in the real world, and I doubt their bosses are just going to run around behind them and finish their duties for them. I don’t ask my kids to do a lot, so the few chores they have I try to enforce.

It has become like unspoken challenge, to see how long it takes for this mama to lose her shit and take the rubbish out herself… The struggle is real, but the will is strong! I’ll let you know if there’s any conclusion, if I can find my way back around all the trash!

Slapping my head,

Synn 

Distant…

I am not really sure what has happened in the last couple of weeks but I kind of fell off the face of the earth. I mean I went about the usual and actually a lot happened, but mentally/emotionally I kinda checked out. 

The big move is complete, well apart from handing my keys in tomorrow for the old house. The kids are adjusting well and apart from the dog barking like a raving loonie and driving the poor neighbors bonkers, we seem to be coping okay. There is still plenty of unpacking to do – it’s so weird to find where to put things when they have had their place set in the old house for so long. 

I had a bit of a weird moment with my blog and I think it kinda scared me off a little. Turns out someone must be reading because someone found this little old blog. I wouldn’t have even known if it hadn’t been for their friendly add on Instagram… Either way, all of a sudden I was worried that this was no longer a safe place to share, which is why the previous posts all disappeared and then reappeared. I panicked. I have been more honest here than pretty much anywhere else and even though I don’t think I have written anything I wouldn’t say out loud, I was shaken to know that someone had read all the emotional shit here. Because it was someone in the ex-husbands family.

I didn’t have the best relationships with some of his family, and there were quite a few I never had any sort of relationship with at all. When you are blackballed by the soon-to-be mother-in-law, the possibility of relationships with the extended family diminishes pretty quickly. But I was lucky enough to eventually build a pretty special friendship with a couple of them, so when my marriage ended and they fell out of my life too, it just kinda added to the devastation. I know that those ‘in-law’ relationships change when marriages end, but these people were FAMILY to me. I loved them just as much as my own family, even though there were times I am sure we all drove each other bat-shit crazy. Truth is, when they accepted the ex-husbands new girlfriend with open arms, I was hurt and I didn’t know what to say, or how to say that. So I said nothing. 

And now, I honestly feel that perhaps the stuff I write here should maybe be a little more guarded, which I didn’t want to do. I am lost for what my next move should be… Just forward for now I guess.

Stumbling,

Synn xx

NOTE – if you are out there and reading this and you know who I am, do so at your own risk I guess. 

Moving out/in/on…

I had a funny moment today, walking through the new house. I realized that I am still behaving like a married woman, still considering the needs of other people who weren’t considerate of mine even while we were married. And for a moment there I thought I should be crying. But I didn’t want to cry, I was just incredibly disappointed in myself. Then I decided to get the f*ck on with it and start doing what needed to be done. If I am ever going to start moving on, now is the time to do it right? Fresh start in a new home etc.

Part of buying a home in a mortgagee repossession is taking the risk of buying the house as is. One of the main things for me is all those crappy little things – I have already had professional cleaners go through and clean the place from top to bottom and guess what, the grout is a completely different color than we even thought it was! The bottom of the pantry looks like it has never ever been cleaned and that’s going to take some scrubbing! But then there’s all those shitty little elements, like the flyscreens and security doors were taken, the keys for all the locks etc. So replacing the locks was another pain in the ass to deal with but had to be done. Security doors are taking longer than I was hoping but everything is happening, slowly but surely.

I said in my last post that this was going to be a journey in finding out what I am capable of… This week I learned that not all garage door motors are the same and toilet seats are really easy to replace. If only everything was that easy.

The emotional crap that goes with all this is taking a little more work. It’s been over a year since my marriage ended and I am still impossibly locked into that relationship. And it’s a horrible feeling to realize that the person I was wholly and solely in love with never really felt the same way about me. No matter what he said. I am not discounting how he did feel about me – we had something beautiful and special and we have these two freakin awesome kids as a result of that. But it’s weird to put it all in perspective and realize that he acted in a manner that hurt me, but worse than that, he knew it would hurt me and he didn’t care. Not only did he hurt me, but hurting me didn’t matter. I wasn’t even worth the ‘shit I would hurt her if I did that’. It’s hard to not use that information in measuring my self worth, when for so long it didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me, except him.

I know I have made some changes since I became a single person again, because when I get to the end of each day now, I just hope that I have done enough. That I have behaved well enough and handled myself well enough that my kids could be proud of me. Makes me think of an old saying ‘have you done enough today to earn the right to live tomorrow’.

So it’s time to start cleaning out, the new house and all the emotional shit that rolls around inside me. Tomorrow I’m off to invest in some tools, because if I am going to get this stuff done on my own and not rely on an ex husband, or any other man, then I need to teach myself this stuff. And I will because if nothing else I’m a stubborn bitch lol. Starting with the pool and figuring out if it’s chlorinated or salt water? Any tips? And why would anyone install a pool and leave all that grass around it? This is going to be quite the exercise with my OCD hahaha!

Swimming anyone?

Synn xx