Love is…

Love is supposed to feel good right? Not that it’s all supposed to be fairy bread and lollipops at all times, but loving someone and being loved by someone is supposed to feel… good. At least that’s what I thought. That’s what all the fairy tales implied.

The ex and I went through a particularly shitty time when the kids were younger and I remember being sad and crying a lot. I tried hard to keep that stuff from the kids, but the girl child always seemed to know. She would cuddle me and say to her brother ‘it’s okay, Mama is having a bandaid’ – that’s bad day for anyone who has never spoken toddler with a very advanced almost 2 year old.

When she was 6, she told me that grown up love was hard, and that when she was a grown up, she was just going to have lots of kittens to love because loving a kitten isn’t hard.

Today, I was reminded of that day. She considers herself quite the realist in not wanting a relationship, not wanting a boyfriend. She ranted and raved about how loving people always leads to heartbreak and who the hell has time to invest so much in something when the other person can walk away without a second thought. I realised that she doesn’t actually know of any adult relationship that has survived.

Today, she reminded me of that day… I kissed her on the forehead and told her that not all love is hard. Sometimes it’s real and true and impossible to ignore. Sometimes the timing is all out of whack and sometimes shit gets in the way, but when it works there is no greater feeling.

I also told her we are not getting another cat!

The little things…

There is something in realizing that you are in this on your own – alone. In realizing that no matter how hard you try, it really is just you. Because I have been working away, giving it my all and its not working. You tell yourself (the whole world tells us our whole lives) that if you just keep going, keep fighting the good fight, everything will work out. Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end. Today that doesn’t feel realistic.

There is something in having your hard stuff served up to you by your kids. Your teenage kids who seem to fkn know everything, experts in all the world will ever throw at them. The kids that you cant seem to please, no matter how hard you work.

Today it would be easy to give up – but I am trying hard to find the happiness in the little things. Sometimes they are really little, but they are just as worthy.

Still trying,

Synn xx