Hey there! I had a pretty full-on day today, spent a lot of time in the car running around and I had a weird moment, where I felt like the radio was somehow weirdly connected to me. I am sure that for most people, music and particular songs are significant to us all, memories all linked into a certain piece of music. Today a song came on and I was in my own little world, driving, singing along – and then it registered, this particular song and a flood of memories.
It all comes back to music for me in one way or another, playing in the background at a party or pounding away as loud as I could stand it when my heart was breaking into a million pieces.
This particular song was playing when I told my kids that their dad was moving out. I had always been proud of not lying to my kids, whilst I never went out of my way to discuss things that were ‘too grown up’ or ‘didn’t concern them’, I was proud that when they had asked questions I had told them the truth. Until that day. On that day, I took a deep breath, pulled my shit together and walked into our home and straight up lied to them. I told them that Daddy was going to move out and stay with a friend of his for a while. I dont even really remember the reason why I lied to them, though I am certain at the time, for whatever reason I did what I thought was right at the time. I didn’t tell them the shattering information that I had just been served up, that he had fallen for someone else and was already gone – that conversation was more of a courtesy to me if that makes any sense. I didn’t tell them that they had already met Daddy’s new friend. Now that I think about it, I dont know why it was me that told them.
I remember looking at him across the room, while our babies cried and cuddled him, and this song playing in the background.
Breakeven – The Script
So much of this song still rings true for me. Im still gutted, and falling to pieces and just when I think I am going to be okay… well its still taking some time to adjust.
The song stuck with me all day today and has been rolling around in my head, I found myself humming along while preparing dinner and I thought maybe this was a good way to put some of those memories down somewhere. Maybe it will be cathartic to get some of these feelings or emotions out of my head and maybe it will help me move into a different sort of future. I’m not sure, but if you have any songs like these ones, feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear about some of those songs and moments if other people have them!
Singing and sighing,