Meaningless rambling

Well hey there! If there’s anybody out there reading, it’s been a while since I posted. I seem to have lost a little bit of the anonymity I sought out here and that scared the crap out of me. So, I am just going to throw it out there – if you are reading this and you know me personally, and you wouldn’t pick up the phone to check in for a chat then stop reading! Just go make a pot of tea or something and pretend that you never stumbled across this silly little page, because I simply cant be freakin bothered to transfer all this shit to a new domain.

And now that’s done! (Seriously, if you’re still reading then its totally at your own risk at this point).

Seems kinda weird to me that I haven’t written here since January, this year is totally flying by. Kinda crazy to think that we really haven’t stopped, but I don’t feel like I have actually done anything. Well that’s kinda untrue… I have done a lot around the house, started painting walls, organized fixing the bathrooms (haven’t quite mastered plumbing as yet) and tomorrow’s mission is to install a folding clothes line against the back fence. I haven’t had a clothes line since I moved in here and I have a stack of quilts and blankets that stink like moth balls after being stored away over summer.

Its kinda weird to me that just 2 years ago I was playing ‘Hannah Homemaker’, cooking gourmet meals for a precious little family, volunteering at the school and sewing beautiful quilts in my spare time. I read that and as much as it makes me feel old, I think I was happy. I am struggling with happy still, no surprise there. I guess that ultimately this life isn’t exactly what I had thought it would be. Im struggling with old habits and anxieties. Things have taken a weird turn with the ex and I find myself once again completely baffled by him. I am trying to be the best mum I can be but managing crazy hormonal teenagers is harder than I ever imagined. And doing it solo to kids who we have raised to be outspoken and opinionated – well lets just say I am rethinking that now too. They are great kids, freakin amazing incredible wonderful kids, but let me make it clear – they are certainly very vocal these days.

I hate living alone. I hate sleeping alone. I am trying really hard to be more self-sufficient and stand on my own two feet but honestly I miss having a partner in crime, someone who gave a shit how my day was. I miss having someone to take care of. Im fucking lonely. 

So I just keep meandering through the puddle that is life and doing whatever as it needs to be done. I am trying so hard to make this house a home but feel like I am failing miserably. 

I wish I had something more positive to share, and Ill try and get my shit together before I post next. And now its raining. Does anyone know if its safe to use a battery operated drill in the rain? Because I really need to install this fkn clothesline tomorrow. 

Sinking… fast!

Synn xx

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