Still moving forward…

Hey there! Its been a long week huh? Don’t stress, we’ll get through it together. 

So a couple of weeks ago I posted about how life was getting a little full on. Stuff with the ex, stuff with the kids, stuff with the house – well it was all just kinda shitful. And I was letting it get that way by being passive, letting shit happen, feeling like it was out of my control so letting it get more and more out of control. I not very good in situations I cannot control.

One thing I did realize though is that each of these ‘episodes’ are lasting less time. I am becoming aware of it sooner and jumping into making the changes necessary. That doesn’t mean I don’t fall back into those old patterns but I’m seeing personal growth each time. I see the patterns and I jump in sooner, to make the changes and get on with whatever it is that needs to be done. Life is difficult at the moment, but I am not alone in that. Everyone goes through phases where its all freaking craziness and chaos. All I can do is what I can see needs to be done. 

This morning I escaped for a little while and before I knew it I had walked for hours and it was time to pick up the kids from school. But in that long lonely walk I gave myself the ass kicking that I needed and made a plan of attack. 


This is going to be the current motto and I am going to say it as many times a day as I need to get through each bit as it happens. And whatever happens from here I am going to manage the hell out of it. 

On another note, I have made a new friend. Well, I think maybe I am making a new friend. It’s an odd friendship I guess, but I am thankful for this person. She is different to my usual friends and has such a great perspective on life, and maybe that is exactly what I need right now.

And by the way, that clothesline I was going to put up – well I screwed up and was in the process of chucking a major tantrum, but in walked the ex, ever the knight in shining armour, and he saved the day again. He fixed my screw up and finished the installation and the weird bit was, I think he was actually kinda proud of me for trying to do it myself, even though I didn’t get it completely right. And that felt good. I wish he had been proud of me before, but he is still someone whose opinion matters to me, so I’ll take it. 

Stomping,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt – Elixir

Hey there… Thought I might jump back in here and try and clear the blockage that seems to be banging around inside me at the moment. 

When I first saw the prompt for today, it conjured all sorts of images. Firstly of Alice in Wonderland and the dainty little bottles she sipped from causing all sorts of chaos, then the medications that roll around in my drawer and in the pit of my stomach every morning, and finally, the enormous delicious bottle of vanilla Vodka in the pantry. I googled the meaning of the word elixir and Dictionary.com had this result;

Truth is, for me at least, that love was the elixir. I think of all the shit stuff in this world and think that perhaps if everyone acted with a little love, and if everyone felt love, then maybe the world and all its catastrophe wouldn’t feel so – overwhelming. Maybe if there was an elixir for all of us, to take the pain away, fix mistakes, cure illnesses, offer guidance, whatever the need might be, maybe there wouldn’t be so many people fumbling through life in this weird haze that seems to be happening now.

Tonight, that bottle of Vodka is tucked away in the pantry but don’t think I cant hear it all calling my name. A little elixir to make me forget for a minute, to help me get a good night sleep, to just make all the noise stop for a minute, to take away the loneliness. I know it isn’t the elixir, the cure-all for whatever ails me, and as someone who has seen what addiction does to a family, as someone who suffers from poor mental health, I won’t partake in that particular idea of elixir… but tonight, I understand why some people do.

Seeking,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt – Elixir

Meaningless rambling

Well hey there! If there’s anybody out there reading, it’s been a while since I posted. I seem to have lost a little bit of the anonymity I sought out here and that scared the crap out of me. So, I am just going to throw it out there – if you are reading this and you know me personally, and you wouldn’t pick up the phone to check in for a chat then stop reading! Just go make a pot of tea or something and pretend that you never stumbled across this silly little page, because I simply cant be freakin bothered to transfer all this shit to a new domain.

And now that’s done! (Seriously, if you’re still reading then its totally at your own risk at this point).

Seems kinda weird to me that I haven’t written here since January, this year is totally flying by. Kinda crazy to think that we really haven’t stopped, but I don’t feel like I have actually done anything. Well that’s kinda untrue… I have done a lot around the house, started painting walls, organized fixing the bathrooms (haven’t quite mastered plumbing as yet) and tomorrow’s mission is to install a folding clothes line against the back fence. I haven’t had a clothes line since I moved in here and I have a stack of quilts and blankets that stink like moth balls after being stored away over summer.

Its kinda weird to me that just 2 years ago I was playing ‘Hannah Homemaker’, cooking gourmet meals for a precious little family, volunteering at the school and sewing beautiful quilts in my spare time. I read that and as much as it makes me feel old, I think I was happy. I am struggling with happy still, no surprise there. I guess that ultimately this life isn’t exactly what I had thought it would be. Im struggling with old habits and anxieties. Things have taken a weird turn with the ex and I find myself once again completely baffled by him. I am trying to be the best mum I can be but managing crazy hormonal teenagers is harder than I ever imagined. And doing it solo to kids who we have raised to be outspoken and opinionated – well lets just say I am rethinking that now too. They are great kids, freakin amazing incredible wonderful kids, but let me make it clear – they are certainly very vocal these days.

I hate living alone. I hate sleeping alone. I am trying really hard to be more self-sufficient and stand on my own two feet but honestly I miss having a partner in crime, someone who gave a shit how my day was. I miss having someone to take care of. Im fucking lonely. 

So I just keep meandering through the puddle that is life and doing whatever as it needs to be done. I am trying so hard to make this house a home but feel like I am failing miserably. 

I wish I had something more positive to share, and Ill try and get my shit together before I post next. And now its raining. Does anyone know if its safe to use a battery operated drill in the rain? Because I really need to install this fkn clothesline tomorrow. 

Sinking… fast!

Synn xx