I had a funny moment today, walking through the new house. I realized that I am still behaving like a married woman, still considering the needs of other people who weren’t considerate of mine even while we were married. And for a moment there I thought I should be crying. But I didn’t want to cry, I was just incredibly disappointed in myself. Then I decided to get the f*ck on with it and start doing what needed to be done. If I am ever going to start moving on, now is the time to do it right? Fresh start in a new home etc.
Part of buying a home in a mortgagee repossession is taking the risk of buying the house as is. One of the main things for me is all those crappy little things – I have already had professional cleaners go through and clean the place from top to bottom and guess what, the grout is a completely different color than we even thought it was! The bottom of the pantry looks like it has never ever been cleaned and that’s going to take some scrubbing! But then there’s all those shitty little elements, like the flyscreens and security doors were taken, the keys for all the locks etc. So replacing the locks was another pain in the ass to deal with but had to be done. Security doors are taking longer than I was hoping but everything is happening, slowly but surely.
I said in my last post that this was going to be a journey in finding out what I am capable of… This week I learned that not all garage door motors are the same and toilet seats are really easy to replace. If only everything was that easy.
The emotional crap that goes with all this is taking a little more work. It’s been over a year since my marriage ended and I am still impossibly locked into that relationship. And it’s a horrible feeling to realize that the person I was wholly and solely in love with never really felt the same way about me. No matter what he said. I am not discounting how he did feel about me – we had something beautiful and special and we have these two freakin awesome kids as a result of that. But it’s weird to put it all in perspective and realize that he acted in a manner that hurt me, but worse than that, he knew it would hurt me and he didn’t care. Not only did he hurt me, but hurting me didn’t matter. I wasn’t even worth the ‘shit I would hurt her if I did that’. It’s hard to not use that information in measuring my self worth, when for so long it didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me, except him.
I know I have made some changes since I became a single person again, because when I get to the end of each day now, I just hope that I have done enough. That I have behaved well enough and handled myself well enough that my kids could be proud of me. Makes me think of an old saying ‘have you done enough today to earn the right to live tomorrow’.
So it’s time to start cleaning out, the new house and all the emotional shit that rolls around inside me. Tomorrow I’m off to invest in some tools, because if I am going to get this stuff done on my own and not rely on an ex husband, or any other man, then I need to teach myself this stuff. And I will because if nothing else I’m a stubborn bitch lol. Starting with the pool and figuring out if it’s chlorinated or salt water? Any tips? And why would anyone install a pool and leave all that grass around it? This is going to be quite the exercise with my OCD hahaha!