So I am in a bit of a rut at the moment and trying really hard to not retreat into myself entirely. Lots of questions and retrospection happening here. Wondering how the hell I got here. If you keep reading, I warn you, this post is probably going to include some colourful language.
I am caught up at the moment. ‘Wound up around the axels’ is what my ex used to say when I got like this. Anxiety has been something I have been dealing with for what feels like forever, though now I can see that it was there before I even knew what it was. Its been a shit of a week – well the last year hasn’t been wonderful – but this last week has been a doozy.
Settlement for my new house happens soon and there has been lots on my mind and paperwork to deal with and deadlines and more paperwork. And then last week I had a minor car accident. All me, one of those stupid moments that just came out of nowhere. And now I am waiting to hear about the damages and the financial worry is there too. Though honestly, I’ll admit, I have been more concerned with letting the people around me down. I have only had my driver’s license for about 7 months, meaning that according to Australian road rules I am still a probationary driver. I was 32 when I got my driver’s license. When my ex left it was a necessary to get it figured out. It was never that I didn’t want it, or couldn’t be bothered – I used to have seizures so while my friends were going for their licenses I was trialling new medications and having MRI scans etc. Simple fact was, I had to get the seizures under control before I could get a driver’s license. It had been a few years without a seizure when my ex left, but having been his carer and him being home full-time, I just never needed it, if that makes any sense. In all of the craziness that goes with the Auto Immune Disorder diagnosis, my doctors now believe that there is a good chance that the seizures were all linked in there somewhere. And that it probably all relates back to the way I was born, with the cord wrapped around my neck, via emergency caesarean, so blue that the doctor thought I was already dead.
Anyway, I have been wondering about a lot lately. A good friend I have made in the blogging world wrote a post a little while back that has really hit me deep. Her post is here, and if you get a chance, check out her blog, she’s a very talented lady https://afternoonifiedlady.wordpress.com/2016/07/17/optimism-counts-period/ In her post, she posed the question ‘Would your six-year-old self even recognize you now?’ and this post has been rolling around in my head, getting into all the little nooks and crannies ever since I read it. For me, the answer is a big loud shouting screaming tantrum NO NO NO NO NO! Probably complete with kicking and hair pulling and breath holding if you could actually see it. My 6 year old self would look at the adult I have become and shake her head and sigh sadly. I used to be brave. I used to be strong. I used to put myself out there and be proud of it. Shit, I once sang with a talent company and performed in front of 10,000 people while shakin my booty like I didn’t have a care in the world.
Where the hell did that girl go? When did I become this needy, anxiety ridden creature full of self doubt and fear? When did I stop taking chances and jumping at opportunities when they were offered? I am fkn stumped honestly! One thing I am certain of is that I have something in common with 6 year old me – I spend a lot of time shaking my head and sighing sadly at who I have become.
This shit stops now! I am not naïve enough to believe that this is all going to stop immediately, don’t get me wrong, but I am going to start trying to figure out who the hell I am and what the hell I am doing with this life. And if along the way I think there are bits of me I don’t like, I am going to make adjustments until I do like me. Whatever it is that I am doing right now, isn’t working. I am going to try to find a way to be… okay.
Thank you to the lovely readers who have left positive comments and been so supportive lately. This little blog of mine is the only place in my life I am not censoring myself right now – its good to have somewhere that feels kinda safe.