Breaking up is hard to do… whether you have been with someone for a year, or ten years, or any length of time at all. It’s never good, never a pleasant experience. My experience in breaking up with the ex was different to the usual. I understand that now. Especially considering the circumstances I guess. Even after the way he left me, I always went out of my way to make sure it never got nasty.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been times that I have said things that have been pretty brutal. I can be kinda passive aggressive at times and I have made some serious assh*le comments. Whether they were necessary or even true, they were pretty brutal.
I have tried really hard to not be a victim in this situation. I don’t like to feel like a victim in any interaction – it just doesn’t mesh well with the control freak in me! But there were (and still are) times that I feel powerless and like things are happening TO me, things that I can’t avoid or change and I hate feeling that way. And at times, me feeling that way has caused me to lash out a little verbally.
We do things differently than most couples who have separated after having children. I have handled every situation in the last 6 months at least, with as much dignity and decorum as I could muster. I think to myself ‘because this is the best choice I can make for my children’ but it isnt just that. It’s the measure I use to check my behaviour. If I choose to always do what is the best I can for my kids, then I have done the right thing. And the one thing I have made sure of is that at the end of the day, I can hold my head high, knowing that I haven’t hurt anyone.
I didnt do the wrong thing by him but I am not naive enough to pretend that I had no part in our breakup. We had been through a shitful time – and with everything that happened in those last couple of years, my anxiety hit an all-time high and I became even more of a control freak than usual. When you are taking care of someone who is injured, it can become all consuming. You do anything and everything you can to make the situation better, but I see now that there are times that I was more nurse than wife. And I imagine that sucked for him, because I know it sucked for me.
And here I am, sitting in bed alone, almost 12 months post breakup still trying to figure it all out. Where did it all go wrong? How did it end up like this? And wondering if I’ll ever know the answers…