The last few days have been full on and I have been a bit of a wreck emotionally. Today was just the icing on the cake. Today was family day – well the family that used to be. My eldest has a birthday tomorrow and wanted to do something ‘as a family’. Ouch! The whole family thing feels like a lead weight at the moment. Not my kids, just the concept of family.
We have had plenty of occasions together since we separated and this one shouldn’t be any different. I guess the exception this time is that my 1 year ‘dumpiversary’ (the day he walked out on me) is looming and I am feeling like I have been run over. By a truck… a septic truck… a septic truck that is seeping and oozing all sorts of disgustingness. Made worse I guess by realising today that the ‘dumpiversary’ is actually 2 days after his anniversary with his current girlfriend. Yeah, you got it! The dates add up to the fact that he began his relationship with her 2 days before I even knew we were over.
I have really tried to be considerate of his new relationship. I didn’t want things to be hard for him, but ultimately, I didn’t want things to be any harder for my kids. Turns out they had known before I did. Clever little brats. And they hate the new girlfriend, have since the beginning and for the first time ever, I actually kinda get it now.
Its difficult not to get caught up in a worry about whether or not it was ever real for him. Whether all the ‘I love yous’ and stupid inside jokes and silly pet names ever meant anything. Because if they did, how was it all so easy to walk out on?
Everyone makes sacrifices in a relationship, I know that. I guess right now I just feel like I wish I hadn’t sacrificed so much of myself. I gave everything, absolutely everything to that relationship. So much so that when it was all done, I was lost in some void and I honestly wasn’t sure sometimes if I was going to find my way back out. I am not sure, even right now, if I have found my way because sometimes I am stumbling in the dark still. I know I am not over him – well I am not sure if its over ‘him’ or over the ideal I had of what we were going to be. What I believed we were fated to be.
I feel like my future was stolen from me. The future that I had planned for myself and my lovely little ‘family’.
Sad, just sad…
P.S. Just in case you were wondering, we had a really great day. As far as ‘broken family’ goes, we look like were acing this thing. I held my shit together and smiled even though I felt destroyed all over again. We had a great meal and hung out and it was the perfect day according to the kids.