Sometimes, after a life-changing event, it’s difficult to remember who you were before the event. I know everyone has those events that mark their soul so deeply, that being the same person afterwards is impossible.
As a 30something who has spent 20 years in love with the same man, in a relationship with him for almost 14 years, when it all ended I didn’t even know who I was. And I made some crazy big changes pretty quickly. Because I felt that if I didn’t move forward, I would completely spiral backwards into oblivion. So I moved forward in whatever way I could think of. I did everything I could to keep myself busy to ensure that the emptiness I was feeling inside couldn’t settle in and get comfortable.
I was incredibly false with the people around me, removed myself from situations that would require me to be real or vulnerable, and now almost a year down the track I still have moments that I am not really sure who I am. I think the person I was most false with was myself.
These days, I am not only trying to be as real and authentic as I can, but I am learning who I am every day. My relationships with lots of people have changed and that is largely due to me having been false with them when I couldn’t be vulnerable. But I also think its down to the fact that in learning who I am now, I can sometimes come across as false to the people who know me. I think there are people in my life who are not receptive to the changes I am trying to make and perhaps they think that I am being dishonest with myself.
I have made changes in my life that are so far removed from who I was in that relationship, that there are days that I question whether I am being real. I know that at the moment the best thing I can do for me (and for the people who rely on me) is make the best choices I can make with the information I have at the time. And if that comes across as fake or false, that’s not my problem. I actually think I kinda like this version of me.