You know, those feelings that spark inside you when you have a really great interaction with your ex that makes you wonder, if there was ever a way back, would you take it?
I am certain that when any relationship ends, there are probably umpteen reasons why. Whether it be because someone cheated, or the financial strain was suffocation, or because they made a funny noise when they chewed… and I am sure there are a million more than that. All very valid reasons! But those reasons are the culmination of ‘the end.
I hate cheating. I hate those people that sniff around someone that they know is in a relationship. When my ex left me, after almost 14 years and 2 kids and a billion other moments that could make or break a relationship – I was destroyed.
Sometimes, you have these moments when you wonder if maybe this had all just been a bump in the road. A horrible crazy enormous cataclysmic bump in the road. Either way, a moment that makes you wonder if you could possibly get the ‘happy ever after’ that you had always dreamed of.
But then I realised, that while he may miss us, and miss the family life, and maybe just maybe he even misses me… that feeling for him lasts only as long as the moment. Nothing has changed. The second we are out of his line of sight, so are those emotions.
The end of my relationship for me was kind of like a death. It took a long time for me to go through it all and I am still moving through all that, everyday. The grief burns away in me, a tiny ember, tucked away in a dark little crevice. Sometimes just a smouldering tiny ember and sometimes a flickering little flame that threatens to ignite and wipe out everything. But it’s there, always. And I think maybe it always will be, because that’s what happens when you fall totally and completely in love with someone. They leave a mark on your soul that you can’t ever erase.
I sound like one of those weird over-emotional types right now, don’t I? Though I think the biggest thing I learned is that there is no such thing as forever, and no such thing as never for me. I don’t know if I believe in true/real love anymore. No, that’s not right – because I still hope that’s its real and true so I guess I do believe. Maybe forever and ’til death do us part’ was only attainable back in the days of wars and sickness and death at 30. But I think forever is something I will find it very difficult to believe in and to have faith in.
And never… no such thing as never. I try not to limit myself by saying never, whether it be that I’ll never enjoy eating carrots, or I’ll never be skinny/pretty/loved or that I’ll never miss him or love him or be with him again. I’ll never say never. But I know that I am a different person now than I was while I was with him.
I am so lost these days. I was so invested in that relationship that I wonder now if I am too broken to ever be with anyone ever again. To ever fully trust someone with every element of me again.