The problem with being someone who journals is knowing whether or not to get rid of all the old journals. I have boxes and boxes full of stuff I have written over the years. I think I have kept a journal for most of my life. For every book I have kept there is probably one I have destroyed and I still have boxes full.

I read some old journals tonight, that I found buried in a blanket box in the spare room. The joys of moving house right, finding all the old stuff? I found a particular old journal, that I had been writing in way back when I was last single. Saying ‘single’ sounds so weird to me! I should probably refer to is as ‘the last time I was dumped and destroyed’ or ‘the last time he cheated on me’. Because that’s the truth.

I read through those tatty old books and my heart broke a little. I have been here before. How could I be so stupid to think that he would ever be loyal to me?

So I guess where I am at now, is trying to be thankful. Thankful that maybe this time I dodged a bullet. He was obviously never going to be faithful to me, no matter what I did or how dedicated I was. I don’t know if he can be faithful to anyone.

And tonight, I am absolutely thankful for those old journals. It’s hurting to read it all over again, but it’s interesting to be able to see how I have changed and grown. I’m thankful to know that I made it through before and I’ll make it through again. If I am completely honest, reading through all that has helped me to see some sense in the situation. There are still moments where I miss him so much, that I probably would be silly enough to do it all again, even though we all know what the outcome would be. Those old journals are filled with all the reasons why I shouldn’t consider it.

Journalling keeps me sane. It gives me an opportunity to get some of the fuzziness out of my head. I am careful what I share and with who, and I have some trust issues, but writing it all down on paper gives me a place to vent that is safe. Unless someone finds all those journals I guess. Hmmm. I think its time to go through all those journals and perhaps its time for a cleansing by fire!


Synn xx

2 thoughts on “Journalling…

  1. Ooh, feeling your pain there Synn… go gently on yourself. You’re not stupid, not for loving someone, not for building a relationship, not for trusting… and yes, I’ve said that to myself more than once.
    Even so, I would rather be vulnerable and sometimes get hurt, than to armour myself against pain and lose connection. I choose to stay open.

    Liked by 1 person

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