SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder

After a couple of seriously shitty weeks, I went back to my doctor for a check up yesterday. It was time for the regular check in, getting bloods done again etc. and she knows me well enough now to know when something isn’t right. While we chattered away I mumbled away about how shitty the last couple of weeks had been and she remarked that this particular low that I was having was pretty standard for me at this time of year.

I  must have looked at her like she was speaking another language, because she sat down and started explaining. She said that while my perception of my mental health was accurate, and my fears of how my genetic code contributes to my health was completely normal – this time of year, this weather – is always a trigger for me. She suggested that perhaps this year was worse than before because there had been so much upheaval and change, but that ultimately, looking through my file showed a definite pattern in low mood and increased anxiety over winter.

I thought I was pretty self aware of what the patterns were, but I never really thought that it might be something to do with the weather. It was like being in a cartoon for a minute there, you know, those light bulb moments that the cartoon characters have. Not an idea so much, but a realisation. She was right. Winter is not very good for me. I really enjoy the odd dreary day, curled up drinking tea and reading an amazing book. But winter seems to last so long now that I am older. The cold seems colder, seeping into my old bones so that no matter how long the shower is I cant quite get properly warm. And night time… the darkness last so long. Being an insomniac doesn’t help there, and I have these crazy teenagers that are such incredible sleepers and once they go to bed, it can sometimes be a long lonely night.

We decided to monitor the situation and see how things go. I’ll admit, I was somewhat relieved to know that this is something of a pattern for me – because I have made it through 33 winters nearly, so I am pretty sure I can make it through this one too. Winter is not going to last much longer, soon it will be spring time and being outside will be more appealing. I am going to hang in there and wait it out. I am not sure if its always this way but I am looking forward to the sunshine.

I had heard of SAD before but I honestly thought it was a myth, something that people said to explain away the winter doldrums. How do you cope with winter?

Stalking the sun…

Synn xx

 

 

Origin…

So I am in a bit of a rut at the moment and trying really hard to not retreat into myself entirely. Lots of questions and retrospection happening here. Wondering how the hell I got here. If you keep reading, I warn you, this post is probably going to include some colourful language.

I am caught up at the moment. ‘Wound up around the axels’ is what my ex used to say when I got like this. Anxiety has been something I have been dealing with for what feels like forever, though now I can see that it was there before I even knew what it was. Its been a shit of a week – well the last year hasn’t been wonderful – but this last week has been a doozy.

Settlement for my new house happens soon and there has been lots on my mind and paperwork to deal with and deadlines and more paperwork. And then last week I had a minor car accident. All me, one of those stupid moments that just came out of nowhere. And now I am waiting to hear about the damages and the financial worry is there too. Though honestly, I’ll admit, I have been more concerned with letting the people around me down. I have only had my driver’s license for about 7 months, meaning that according to Australian road rules I am still a probationary driver. I was 32 when I got my driver’s license. When my ex left it was a necessary to get it figured out. It was never that I didn’t want it, or couldn’t be bothered – I used to have seizures so while my friends were going for their licenses I was trialling new medications and having MRI scans etc. Simple fact was, I had to get the seizures under control before I could get a driver’s license. It had been a few years without a seizure when my ex left, but having been his carer and him being home full-time, I just never needed it, if that makes any sense. In all of the craziness that goes with the Auto Immune Disorder diagnosis, my doctors now believe that there is a good chance that the seizures were all linked in there somewhere. And that it probably all relates back to the way I was born, with the cord wrapped around my neck, via emergency caesarean, so blue that the doctor thought I was already dead.

Anyway, I have been wondering about a lot lately. A good friend I have made in the blogging world wrote a post a little while back that has really hit me deep. Her post is here, and if you get a chance, check out her blog, she’s a very talented lady https://afternoonifiedlady.wordpress.com/2016/07/17/optimism-counts-period/ In her post, she posed the question ‘Would your six-year-old self even recognize you now?’ and this post has been rolling around in my head, getting into all the little nooks and crannies ever since I read it. For me, the answer is a big loud shouting screaming tantrum NO NO NO NO NO! Probably complete with kicking and hair pulling and breath holding if you could actually see it. My 6 year old self would look at the adult I have become and shake her head and sigh sadly. I used to be brave. I used to be strong. I used to put myself out there and be proud of it. Shit, I once sang with a talent company and performed in front of 10,000 people while shakin my booty like I didn’t have a care in the world.

Where the hell did that girl go? When did I become this needy, anxiety ridden creature full of self doubt and fear? When did I stop taking chances and jumping at opportunities when they were offered? I am fkn stumped honestly! One thing I am certain of is that I have something in common with 6 year old me – I spend a lot of time shaking my head and sighing sadly at who I have become.

This shit stops now! I am not naïve enough to believe that this is all going to stop immediately, don’t get me wrong, but I am going to start trying to figure out who the hell I am and what the hell I am doing with this life. And if along the way I think there are bits of me I don’t like, I am going to make adjustments until I do like me. Whatever it is that I am doing right now, isn’t working. I am going to try to find a way to be… okay.

Thank you to the lovely readers who have left positive comments and been so supportive lately. This little blog of mine is the only place in my life I am not censoring myself right now – its good to have somewhere that feels kinda safe.

Striving,

Synn xx

Facebook failure

Life without Facebook… A couple of months ago I deleted my Facebook account. I am sure I am not alone in feeling the effects of the Facebook trap. You know what I mean right, when you check it absent-mindedly to ward off the boredom, there’s an ad break in a movie or to fill in that spare few minutes while waiting at the pharmacy. And Facebook is pretty great. It’s an opportunity to catch up without catching up, find out what our friends are up to and keep an eye on the cool businesses we utilise. But in falling into that Facebook tunnel so much of the world was passing me by.

I think I must say ‘oh I wish I had more time’ about 5 times a day. I’m amazed at how much time we can spend lost in Facebook land.

So I have claimed back some time since being away from Facebook but honestly it is kinda isolating. Even though I know that for most people at least, Facebook is a pretty inaccurate representation of REAL LIFE. I know that people all use the platform differently – some people use their accounts to show everyone how wonderfully miraculous their life is, and others use their accounts to air every item of their dirty laundry, their own and everybody elses.

Being completely honest, the trigger for me deleting Facebook was a particular interaction with a long-time friend, well not so much anymore I guess. I have been trying to clean up my life a little and in some cases, that meant distancing myself from some people. I am fiercely loyal to those I love and though I could see that this person was completely spiralling out of control (and taking down everyone around her) I chose to stick with her. To do what I could and be the best friend I could be. The situation became more and more complicated and it got to a point where I felt my only option in protecting me and mine was to cut ties and disassociate from what was rapidly becoming a poisonous situation. Thinking about it now makes me feel sick. Because I chose to try and be a good friend, there were a couple of brief moments where I questioned whether I could keep myself and my kids safe. And I have never been that person, at least not since I had my babies.

In looking through Facebook I was finding myself more and more annoyed and frustrated at what this person was posting. It’s a weird feeling to see someone so publicly falsifying what is actually going on in their life, when you know it is complete rubbish. I started out just avoiding Facebook and then I realised how much I didnt miss all the drama. Which lead to me evaluating why I was keeping Facebook. I thought about doing the infamous friend cull and removing all those dramatic people who make me bonkers but then I was filled with dread at the thought of having to deal with all those ‘ohmygodicantbelieveyoudeletedme,arentwefriendsanymore’ conversations. SO, I deleted myself instead.

And its been a relief. I wont pretend its been easy, there have been times Ive fallen into that old routine and reached for the phone when I’ve been bored.But honestly, my house has never been so clean and I am reading real books again, which I have missed so much. I know I can’t stay disconnected forever, I have teenage children. If I want to stay in the loop and stay current I’ll need to be online as much as everywhere else they need me to be. But I think I’ll start from scratch, and be a little selective in who I add and what I share.

Seeking… the simple life.

Synn

Ergh…

I am having one of those weeks. But instead of getting all caught up in it I am trying so very hard to keep this all in check.

My anxiety is at an all time high. That old familiar feeling of egg beaters whirring away inside my stomach, that constant lump in my throat, that prickly threat of tears just waiting to fall… and worse than that, the constant deafening thud of my heart beating inside my ears and temperature fluctuations that make me wonder if early onset menopause is not so far away…

I am trying to be positive and stay motivated, trying to use all that nervous energy to do something useful and worthwhile. Even in the midst of an anxiety episode I can see the lack of value in the emotions and energy exuded but I cant stop, cant make it go away. Well I could, perhaps with pharmaceutical assistance but even that option seems to fill me with guilt.

Every day I try to be good and do good and that is what I am sticking with. I feel like absolute shit at the moment, but that is the anxiety. And the anxiety will pass, or subside, or dissipate in time. I know that. And knowing that is what keeps me moving forward.

Stumbling…

Synn xx

 

Change…

I mentioned in a recent post I am making some big changes here. There is lots changing around me but I am trying to be as in control of those elements as I can be. I have just bought a house and whilst I am not very good at things being out of place, the house looks like there has been a tsunami inside. There are boxes half packed everywhere, piles and piles of crap laying around that are yet to have their fate decided. It was starting to do my head in a little, so in the morning I am having a huge bin delivered and I am going to start being strict with what is coming to the new house.

There is a little anxiety buzzing away in the back of my head. We have lived in this house for almost 10 years and this is the only home that my children know. This is also ‘home’ for them, meaning its the place that we lived all together as a family. And now that dynamic has changed so the anxiety is there for all of us.

I sat with the kids tonight and we had a chat about the move. I let them know that they need to be involved in this and in what happens at the new place. I was trying to get them excited and amped up about what is possible at the new house and at the moment they are excited about making their rooms allllll theirs. This will be the first time we will be able to paint rooms whatever colour we choose, or hang pictures on the walls.

I said there were big changes ahead and I think they have taken that to the extreme… I have one kiddo that is BatMan obsessed and apparently were painting one wall entirely black with the bat symbol and the other one wants her room to be galaxy themed. What have I got myself into?

Shuddering,

Synn xx

 

Liebster Award!

A gorgeous lady I have met from the blogging world nominated me to answer some questions here in a post! This is such a great idea for getting to know each other better and getting to know a little about the bloggers we enjoy reading!

What is the best memory you have from childhood?

The first memory that came to mind when I read this is I think my earliest memory ever. We spent a lot of time with my grandparents as little people, my parents worked a lot and there were lots of times that we couldn’t be at home. I remember being scared and feeling homesick and couldn’t sleep, even though I had slept at Gran’s place often. I was laying in bed crying quietly and Gran came in and sat on the edge of the bed and tickled my back gently until I fell asleep. She never said a word, but I remember feeling so safe.

If you had the chance to go back in time and do something different, what would it be?

Hmmm this is a good one! I think there are probably lots of things I would do differently.

When did you decide to write? What inspires your writing?

I have always journalled, and have written my whole life I think. Writing here was just a fluke really and the blog hasn’t turned out to be what I thought it would be! A friend actually said that my ‘social commentary’ is hysterically funny and I should be writing somewhere people can see it, so here we are.

What is your favorite book?

I have quite a few favourite books and I read a lot (insomniac pastime) but I read mainly on my ipad. If I find a book I love I hunt it out and add it to my bookshelf… or shelves!

Describe your perfect day.

I wasn’t expecting this question to be so difficult, but I have been sitting here writing and re-writing for almost an hour. Commitment issues much? I guess the perfect day would be a lazy morning sleeping in, some good tea and time to read, and then a picnic on thebeach in the sunshine with great food, good wine and some awesome friends.

What do you in your free time?

At the moment there isn’t a lot of free time, but the free time I do get is usually either spent curled up with a book or walking the beach.

Name one kind thing you’ve recently done for someone else.

I have tried to make a commitment to kindness at the moment – whether its being considerate of someone in traffic, or looking after a friends kids so they can get a break. But I guess it was last weekend, when I paid for a lady’s prescriptions in the pharmacy. She didn’t have enough and I remember a few times where I was in that situation and had no one I felt like I could ask for help. I didn’t think twice, it wasn’t expensive, but I didn’t even really think about it until my daughter mentioned it that night. She said I was lovely.

What is your goal in life?

This changes pretty regularly for me at the moment. Just when I think I have it all figured out, something else creeps up on me. Right now, my goal is to keep moving.

How do you want to be remembered?

Oooooohh this is a deep question! I think I’ll have to come back to this one!

Is there a quote that resonates with you? What is it?

A quote that resonates with me… “It will all be alright in the end – if its not alright, its not the end”. I am living by this one at the moment.

If your life were a television show, what would the theme song be?

‘Days Like This’ by Van Morrison. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUL65ddSbk0

Here is a link back to my lovely friend’s post https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/49821415/posts/1088657985

I’d like to nominate some awesome bloggers – https://cleardope.wordpress.com/, https://marriagetruthsblog.wordpress.com/, https://blissfulliz.wordpress.com/, https://squareonewriter.wordpress.com/, https://wanderingheart2016.wordpress.com/

  1. If you could be a character in any tv show, what would it be?
  2. Describe how your home smells?
  3. Does the weather affect your mood?
  4. If you could live any one day over again, what day would you choose?
  5. If you were a car, what car would you be?
  6. Do you prefer to read books in paper form or online?
  7. Is graffiti art?
  8. Are tattoos art?
  9. What is your most favourite word?
  10. Is breakfast food an acceptable choice for dinner?
  11. Do you have a ticklish spot?

Thanks for the chance to join in, cant wait to read everyone’s responses!

Smiling,

Synn xx

It’s the little things…

I feel like I spend a lot of time pondering life these days. It’s always interesting when people ask what I am have been up to, because the answer is ‘not much’, or ‘just the usual’. But that’s not really true.

I spend a lot of time in my head. Navigating this strange new world can be overwhelming and I can honestly say, most of the time I am just trying to make it to the end of the day.

My role as a parent is full-on. We don’t have an easy life at the moment – don’t get me wrong, I know there are a whole lot of people who have it harder than we do, but it’s not easy. I worry on a daily basis that I am not doing a good enough job as a Mama, no matter how hard I try. I question myself just like lots of other parents.

I argued with the kids before school the other day, over chores. I hate arguing with them in the morning, because I feel crappy about it all day and on top of that I worry about whether they are having a crappy day because we argued. It’s tough to know where to draw the line, which battles to pick. If we don’t give them chores and responsibilities then we aren’t preparing them for the big bad world as adults, but if we do, were horrible parents who ‘don’t get it’.

So we argued, and eventually the dishes were finished, and we were only 12 minutes late for school. And after school my gorgeous almost 14 year old son came over to the car and gave me a flower and a hug. And it all felt better. I am thankful for these moments…

image

Signing off,

Synn xx

Blocked…

This blog is not what I thought it would be. This life is not what I thought it would be. I had a very different idea when I started, so from tomorrow things are going to be a little different around here.

Tomorrow I am throwing myself into planning my future! I have so much on the go at the moment and I think its all just a little overwhelming, but as of now I am choosing to feel differently. I am going to do whatever I can to focus on my future instead of being all consumed by my past. I am leaving all that shit behind me, because otherwise I wont have a future.

So, I am going to keep myself busy with what needs to happen now. I have just bought a house and I am kinda scared at the moment. Scared that it wont feel like a home when home seems so far from where I am at right now. I have big plans for that pile of bricks and tomorrow I am going to start getting organised instead of doing it all last minute. Or worse, letting it all happen around me, or to me.

Big changes are coming…

Striving,

Synn xx

Today…

Some days you get out of bed and the to do list is overflowing and the tea/coffee is just too far away! I have been trying to work on my sleep pattern a little (insomnia is kicking my ass and it really affects my mood) so I have been trying to get to bed a little earlier. This resulted in laying in bed all night willing myself to sleep… and then watching the sun come up. I gave up at that point and crept through this chaotic half packed house to make tea. The teenagers were still asleep and I wanted to make the most of the quiet.

I brewed a pot of an incredible new tea I have become addicted to (more on that in another post) and sat quietly in bed and painted my fingernails. This is weird for me, because this time last year, my fingernails had all fallen off due to treatment I was having for Auto Immune disorder. I had a bit of a laugh to myself because a year ago my life was very different to this.

I was really quite impressed with myself. I now sit here typing away with blue matte nail polish adorning my stumpy fingers and grinning away. It has been a tough year and the few years before that were bumpy too. But for today, I am okay and I’ll settle for that. I’m moving forward in whatever fashion that feels right in each particular circumstance and that has to be enough for now.

I am looking forward to the future! Not so very long ago I felt anxiety about this future, but I want so badly to be happy that I have to start making this shit happen. I am getting this house sorted this week, so that when I pick up the keys to the new place its not a mad rush to get everything done. That’s my focus and my priority right now.

 

Breaking up is hard to do…

Breaking up is hard to do… whether you have been with someone for a year, or ten years, or any length of time at all. It’s never good, never a pleasant experience. My experience in breaking up with the ex was different to the usual. I understand that now. Especially considering the circumstances I guess. Even after the way he left me, I always went out of my way to make sure it never got nasty.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been times that I have said things that have been pretty brutal. I can be kinda passive aggressive at times and I have made some serious assh*le comments. Whether they were necessary or even true, they were pretty brutal.

I have tried really hard to not be a victim in this situation. I don’t like to feel like a victim in any interaction – it just doesn’t mesh well with the control freak in me! But there were (and still are) times that I feel powerless and like things are happening TO me, things that I can’t avoid or change and I hate feeling that way. And at times, me feeling that way has caused me to lash out a little verbally.

We do things differently than most couples who have separated after having children. I have handled every situation in the last 6 months at least, with as much dignity and decorum as I could muster. I think to myself ‘because this is the best choice I can make for my children’ but it isnt just that. It’s the measure I use to check my behaviour. If I choose to always do what is the best I can for my kids, then I have done the right thing. And the one thing I have made sure of is that at the end of the day, I can hold my head high, knowing that I haven’t hurt anyone.

I didnt do the wrong thing by him but I am not naive enough to pretend that I had no part in our breakup. We had been through a shitful time – and with everything that happened in those last couple of years, my anxiety hit an all-time high and I became even more of a control freak than usual. When you are taking care of someone who is injured, it can become all consuming. You do anything and everything you can to make the situation better, but I see now that there are times that I was more nurse than wife. And I imagine that sucked for him, because I know it sucked for me.

And here I am, sitting in bed alone, almost 12 months post breakup still trying to figure it all out. Where did it all go wrong? How did it end up like this? And wondering if I’ll ever know the answers…

Sighing…

Synn xx