Love is supposed to feel good right? Not that it’s all supposed to be fairy bread and lollipops at all times, but loving someone and being loved by someone is supposed to feel… good. At least that’s what I thought. That’s what all the fairy tales implied.
The ex and I went through a particularly shitty time when the kids were younger and I remember being sad and crying a lot. I tried hard to keep that stuff from the kids, but the girl child always seemed to know. She would cuddle me and say to her brother ‘it’s okay, Mama is having a bandaid’ – that’s bad day for anyone who has never spoken toddler with a very advanced almost 2 year old.
When she was 6, she told me that grown up love was hard, and that when she was a grown up, she was just going to have lots of kittens to love because loving a kitten isn’t hard.
Today, I was reminded of that day. She considers herself quite the realist in not wanting a relationship, not wanting a boyfriend. She ranted and raved about how loving people always leads to heartbreak and who the hell has time to invest so much in something when the other person can walk away without a second thought. I realised that she doesn’t actually know of any adult relationship that has survived.
Today, she reminded me of that day… I kissed her on the forehead and told her that not all love is hard. Sometimes it’s real and true and impossible to ignore. Sometimes the timing is all out of whack and sometimes shit gets in the way, but when it works there is no greater feeling.
I also told her we are not getting another cat!
There is something in realizing that you are in this on your own – alone. In realizing that no matter how hard you try, it really is just you. Because I have been working away, giving it my all and its not working. You tell yourself (the whole world tells us our whole lives) that if you just keep going, keep fighting the good fight, everything will work out. Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end. Today that doesn’t feel realistic.
There is something in having your hard stuff served up to you by your kids. Your teenage kids who seem to fkn know everything, experts in all the world will ever throw at them. The kids that you cant seem to please, no matter how hard you work.
Today it would be easy to give up – but I am trying hard to find the happiness in the little things. Sometimes they are really little, but they are just as worthy.
Hey there… its been a while huh? How’s 2018 treating you so far? It’s been pretty full on here, school holidays is in full swing and we have been so busy socializing. I guess it kinda makes up for the weird Christmas/New Year Eve we had. Christmas Day we had a wedding to attend and NYE was just a total non-event. So that all kinda passed with no excitement at all, but the last few weeks has made up for it anyway!
We have been traipsing around a bit and had a million kiddos in and out of the house. It’s been nice to have everyone so busy and for the most part, so happy.
Anyway, the song I want to share today is a total winner!
I was only 10 years old when this one was released and every time I hear it I get the giggles. I have so many happy memories that come to mind when this song comes on, and one that stands out particularly.
My sister and I had learned the lyrics to this song off by heart and were so very proud of knowing them, that we decided to put on a concert for my grandparents. I think about it now and we’re probably lucky that none of them passed out hearing their precious grand-daughters singing along and dancing away with some crazy choreographed dance moves.
I’ll just drop the linky here if you want a giggle Whoomp There It Is
Hey there! Its been a while since I have written here… I think I have written about 20 posts that are unfinished and sitting in my drafts folder. Anyone else out there have trouble hitting the publish button after writing a post? I think its probably because my posts are personal rants or word vomit!
Anyway, I figured it was time I update, because there really is plenty to update about! The renovations are coming along nicely and things are taking a long time, but they are happening little by little. It seems that as quickly as I can get one job finished, there is another brain wave and another new project on the go. I am trying to do as much as I can myself but there are some jobs that I need to get tradies in for and that means waiting for a space in other peoples schedules – and I am not enjoying having to be patient! The major job on the go at the moment is having liquid limestone poured around the pool, and this job feels like it is taking forever. It hasn’t been an easy one with lots of false starts and dealing with the weather making it near impossible to book anything in! Here is a progress shot!
In waiting for all this to get happening, I can openly admit that things haven’t been great on the mental health front. It feels like I have been barely holding it together, though people around me haven’t really noticed any difference apparently. I mentioned this to the psych in my last appointment and he said he had written into my notes over a year ago that he believed I had transitioned into a state of ‘high-functioning anxiety’. This is something I am looking into now, because I hadn’t heard the term before. I have been maintaining everything I guess, making sure that everything gets done, but at least 3 times a week I am bolting for the lookout at the beach for a good long cry. Being down there, having a cry and trying to give myself a second to breathe seems to be the latest coping mechanism and the psych told me that’s totally okay, whatever I need to do to get through. It was a long appointment and we discussed a lot of the stuff that’s going on, and he pointed out that its the first session we have had where we have been discussing future stuff instead of those past hurts. For now, I think that’s progress!
Hey hey hey! I thought I’d share another song (or 2) from the soundtrack of this life over here, a semi current one kinda. Today I had to take the kidlet for another specialist appointment, which meant a day of school for her and a long day driving for me. I haven’t had my license all that long and I am not overly confident driving in the city – throw in there that my car is doing some weird thing that I dont understand so I didn’t drive my car. A borrowed a car and had to drive a huge 4wd but I actually think that it was better than driving my car – she is so big and imposing that other driver’s can definitely see me coming lol. I was nervous about parking her but it was actually a pretty great trip overall.
Spending so much time in the car meant we had to have some good tunes for the trip, and it was such a nice way to just hang out with the kid, bits of conversation scattered in amongst singing along to whatever was on – and the list was pretty eclectic! It was such a pleasure to watch my girl completely rocking out, car dancing away. I never expected her to get so into one of my major faves 30 Seconds to Mars. I have been a huge Jared Leto fan for as long as I can remember and The Kill is just one of the many I love from the band.
The Kill – 30 Seconds to Mars
The next song that we were singing along to was a total crack up and I think we kinda surprised each other was this one;
Video Killed The Radio Star – The Buggles
This one is an oldie but a goodie, and I loved that the kiddo knew it and was singing along!
Hey there! I had a pretty full-on day today, spent a lot of time in the car running around and I had a weird moment, where I felt like the radio was somehow weirdly connected to me. I am sure that for most people, music and particular songs are significant to us all, memories all linked into a certain piece of music. Today a song came on and I was in my own little world, driving, singing along – and then it registered, this particular song and a flood of memories.
It all comes back to music for me in one way or another, playing in the background at a party or pounding away as loud as I could stand it when my heart was breaking into a million pieces.
This particular song was playing when I told my kids that their dad was moving out. I had always been proud of not lying to my kids, whilst I never went out of my way to discuss things that were ‘too grown up’ or ‘didn’t concern them’, I was proud that when they had asked questions I had told them the truth. Until that day. On that day, I took a deep breath, pulled my shit together and walked into our home and straight up lied to them. I told them that Daddy was going to move out and stay with a friend of his for a while. I dont even really remember the reason why I lied to them, though I am certain at the time, for whatever reason I did what I thought was right at the time. I didn’t tell them the shattering information that I had just been served up, that he had fallen for someone else and was already gone – that conversation was more of a courtesy to me if that makes any sense. I didn’t tell them that they had already met Daddy’s new friend. Now that I think about it, I dont know why it was me that told them.
I remember looking at him across the room, while our babies cried and cuddled him, and this song playing in the background.
Breakeven – The Script
So much of this song still rings true for me. Im still gutted, and falling to pieces and just when I think I am going to be okay… well its still taking some time to adjust.
The song stuck with me all day today and has been rolling around in my head, I found myself humming along while preparing dinner and I thought maybe this was a good way to put some of those memories down somewhere. Maybe it will be cathartic to get some of these feelings or emotions out of my head and maybe it will help me move into a different sort of future. I’m not sure, but if you have any songs like these ones, feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear about some of those songs and moments if other people have them!
Singing and sighing,
Some days are just like that, right? You get up and have a whole list of crap planned and little by little the plan gets a bit skewiff… I am not even sure if that’s a word, but its a word my gran used so I going to roll with it. It started out okay but just kinda derailed from there – anyway there was a good bit in the day! Lollies! And not even for me, it was a gift for someone kinda cool, and he seemed stoked so I guess that is a win for the day!
A couple of days ago, Facebook had a link about Lollysmith’s enormous lolly jars that you could personalise! https://www.allenslollies.com.au It was a limited edition thing and there were only 200 released so I was kinda excited to get it! I filled it with all the faves and I think it might have been the perfect gift!
Hey there! Its been a while huh? I have been running ragged here, getting stuff done. The bathroom is finished and fabulous. I am completely loving the whole feel in the room now and I even finally got to take a long relaxing bath. Things are happening, little by little and the house is starting to feel great.
Life here has been quiet. The kids social life is thriving so I seem to spend a lot of time in the car running around after them. My circle seems to be smaller than ever and I have to say, its not bothering me at all. I have been spending a lot of time on my own but I haven’t been lonely which is a bit strange for me. Lonely has become a bit of a regular status for me after the dumping of the century and I always thought I did it quite well. Being on my own was something I quickly became accustomed to, and had resigned myself to if Im honest. When you have been in a partnership for as long as I had, you get used to sharing people, and people get used to you being ‘with’ someone. After the dumping, there were people I distanced myself from, and there were people that distanced themselves from me… and there were people who straight up chose sides. So yeah, its all a bit weird, still learning and changing. And I think I am okay with that.
My birthday is approaching and I am feeling… old! It seems the older I get, the more I feel the cold so this little sweetheart has been the perfect snuggle buddy!
It’s strange how a certain smell can remind you of someone, strange that a smell can trigger so many memories. I had a weird moment today, walking into my ex’s house. He is away at the moment and the kids and I have been taking care of his animals, checking in on the house, all that stuff. The second I walked in the door I was completely enveloped by the smell of his cologne – so much so that I looked for him, as if he was in the room and not on the other side of the world. I knew he wasn’t there but I couldn’t help but look for him.
I was reminded of so many significant moments. He has worn the same scent then entire time I have known him and I can associate that scent with so many life-changing moments. I remember that smell, when I told him I was pregnant with our daughter and he was fresh out of the shower getting ready for work. I remember that smell when he sat by my side in the hospital, when our daughter had gone home and I was too unwell to leave. I remember that smell when we went out one night and although I am not very good at public displays of affection, he put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head, and I was so completely consumed by how safe I felt in that moment, that I didn’t care who was looking.
I remember that smell while folding his clothes, watching my babies argue while we waited for their dad to come out of surgery. I remember that smell whilst patting him to sleep, night after night, when the pain was too much for him to bear. I remember that smell the day that he told me he was leaving me again.
And that smell today just about wiped me out. I instinctively looked for him and was completely overwhelmed, bombarded with all those memories. It took my breath away.
His cologne had been knocked off the bathroom vanity (thanks to an inquisitive fluffy fat cat) and as I knelt on the floor to wipe up the mess, I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks and my heart ached for what I thought would be. I believed in a future with him. I miss him.
Hey there! It’s been a long week huh? And its only Tuesday here!
Today was a public holiday here for ANZAC day and it was a weird day for me and the kidlets. We usually head into town for the dawn service on ANZAC day but the kids dad is away and the kids didn’t want to go without him. It’s become a tradition and they just don’t seem to be coping that well with him being away. We did have a moment for ourselves and tried to get on with the day, but they are just missing him so much. And honestly, I am missing him too. Things have been so good with us in the last couple of months that I am really missing having him around. It’s all feeling a little bleak and grey sums that up well right now.
We have been flat out with the bathroom renovation and it feels like it is taking forever, with the Easter break and then today’s public holiday everything seems to be very start-stop-start-stop. But were getting there I guess. Some tiles went up on the wall on Monday, and the bath was installed on Friday so it is happening, slowly but surely. Well its too late to turn back now!
We had a few hiccups, when the vanity didn’t arrive on time and we needed to select a different unit, completely different from what we had ordered. It was a bit of a letdown actually and has changed the look of the bathroom totally, but I had tradies booked and we needed to make a decision as quickly as possible. At the moment it all looks pretty grey and I am really hoping it all looks beautiful when its completed. At the moment Im just taking it all as it comes, trying to be the best mama I can be and keep everything afloat!