Distinctly him…

It’s strange how a certain smell can remind you of someone, strange that a smell can trigger so many memories. I had a weird moment today, walking into my ex’s house. He is away at the moment and the kids and I have been taking care of his animals, checking in on the house, all that stuff. The second I walked in the door I was completely enveloped by the smell of his cologne – so much so that I looked for him, as if he was in the room and not on the other side of the world. I knew he wasn’t there but I couldn’t help but look for him. 

I was reminded of so many significant moments. He has worn the same scent then entire time I have known him and I can associate that scent with so many life-changing moments. I remember that smell, when I told him I was pregnant with our daughter and he was fresh out of the shower getting ready for work. I remember that smell when he sat by my side in the hospital, when our daughter had gone home and I was too unwell to leave. I remember that smell when we went out one night and although I am not very good at public displays of affection, he put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head, and I was so completely consumed by how safe I felt in that moment, that I didn’t care who was looking. 

I remember that smell while folding his clothes, watching my babies argue while we waited for their dad to come out of surgery. I remember that smell whilst patting him to sleep, night after night, when the pain was too much for him to bear. I remember that smell the day that he told me he was leaving me again. 

And that smell today just about wiped me out. I instinctively looked for him and was completely overwhelmed, bombarded with all those memories. It took my breath away. 

His cologne had been knocked off the bathroom vanity (thanks to an inquisitive fluffy fat cat) and as I knelt on the floor to wipe up the mess, I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks and my heart ached for what I thought would be. I believed in a future with him. I miss him.

Still,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt

Daily Prompt

Gray… or Grey!

Hey there! It’s been a long week huh? And its only Tuesday here!

Today was a public holiday here for ANZAC day and it was a weird day for me and the kidlets. We usually head into town for the dawn service on ANZAC day but the kids dad is away and the kids didn’t want to go without him. It’s become a tradition and they just don’t seem to be coping that well with him being away. We did have a moment for ourselves and tried to get on with the day, but they are just missing him so much. And honestly, I am missing him too. Things have been so good with us in the last couple of months that I am really missing having him around. It’s all feeling a little bleak and grey sums that up well right now.

We have been flat out with the bathroom renovation and it feels like it is taking forever, with the Easter break and then today’s public holiday everything seems to be very start-stop-start-stop. But were getting there I guess. Some tiles went up on the wall on Monday, and the bath was installed on Friday so it is happening, slowly but surely. Well its too late to turn back now!




We had a few hiccups, when the vanity didn’t arrive on time and we needed to select a different unit, completely different from what we had ordered. It was a bit of a letdown actually and has changed the look of the bathroom totally, but I had tradies booked and we needed to make a decision as quickly as possible. At the moment it all looks pretty grey and I am really hoping it all looks beautiful when its completed. At the moment Im just taking it all as it comes, trying to be the best mama I can be and keep everything afloat!

Surrendering,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt

Opaque

The door to the office seemed enormous. Deep red frame filled with a thick glass piece completely covered in hand painted flowers, all intricately woven into each other. Tiny little flowers. Millions of them. 

I remember standing outside that door for what felt like forever… deeps breaths girly, just keep breathing, don’t let the clouds take over…

I remember feeling the gurgling in my stomach, the coffee I had consumed that morning threatening to spill itself at my feet.

I remember hearing all the people bustling behind me on the busy street, chattering away in their own conversations, a phone ringing with a pop song for a ringtone.

I remember the smell of the flowers in the nearby garden, pungent and sweet.

I remember the throbbing in my feet, walking here to clear my head probably hadn’t been a good idea. 

I remember thinking how beautiful the door was, thinking ‘I should take a photo’ and immediately talking myself out of it. The door was beautiful, but would only ever symbolize the sickness I felt, the sadness that I knew was coming.

I had to go inside. It was time to say goodbye. 

I pushed the door open and felt the air-conditioning rush out, cooling the tears I didn’t know had fallen on my cheeks. It was time.

Daily Prompt

Cranky!

She was stomping around, making breakfast messily, after getting out of the wrong side of bed after a shitty nights sleep. Her knees ached, her ankles burned, her feet were swollen. Her elbow wouldn’t extend all the way and was making it difficult to reach to pick up the kettle. All she wanted was to make hot chocolate and easter buns, a nice choice for breakfast over the easter break.

She was really looking forward to that hot chocolate. She was hoping the comforting liquid warmth would ease the tension and line her stomach before she had to take her daily medication routine. She smelled the chocolate wafting from the cup as she poured the steaming water in and sighed.

She picked up the cup and searing pain in her wrist bones made her falter for a second. The cup fell to the ground, breaking, and the liquid she desperately craved spread across the floor. Hot tears fell on her pink cheeks, angry with herself for not being able to do the most simple of things. She knows it’s not always this bad, she knows there are some good days and she knows this isn’t one of them. And today, she is cranky. She tries to remind herself that it’s okay to feel that way, even the psych told her that it was to be expected. But today, the whole situation makes her cranky. Cranky with herself for feeling the way she does, cranky that her body wont co-operate, cranky that she cant just do what other kids can do.

She looked across the kitchen at me and shrugged as she started to tidy the mess. I know better than to try and help. That just makes her feel more useless, more hopeless. She  tidies up and goes back to her bedroom, crawls into her bed and cries.

I go to the store and pick the prettiest bunch of flowers I can afford, go home and put them in a vase and knock lightly on her door.

She smiles when she sees them and says ‘oh Mama, its hard to be cranky looking at such beautiful flowers’.


Daily Prompt

Some days…

Hey there, you. How’s the week treating you? It’s been a long week here but I have made it through. Just. Kinda. If you didn’t laugh you’d cry, right?

SO I choose to try and stay positive and see the good bits about it. Even tonight, when I am beside myself, feeling like absolute fucking shit. Some days it feels impossible to keep trudging through the shit storm that is life.

Today I woke feeling dread, anxiety sitting in my chest, sadness in the pit of my stomach. Its Easter and I really tried to keep it all positive for the kids. But the girl child and I were both a little off all day. See, today was injection day. Today was the day that I knew, from the second I woke up, that this evening I would have to hold that little girl down and inject her with medicine that ‘could’ help her to feel better, the ‘could’ ease her pain. Maybe, if it works.

I feel like a special kind of asshole. Seeing my kid in pain everyday, knowing that she is hurting just to get the basic shit done… knowing that it was bad before we even knew what it was and for a long time I told her it was just growing pains and it would get better.

Once a week I give that kid a low dose of a drug that is used to treat cancer. Seriously. And then once a fortnight I inject her with what is essentially a different kind of poison that ‘could’ stop her body from attacking itself. Once a fortnight I hold that kid down so that she cant swat me away and stop me from delivering the injection that ‘could’ help her feel better, knowing that the injection itself hurts her. Knowing that she is going to feel like utter shit for the 4 or 5 days following. Knowing that the medications are creating a kind of brain fog that completely fuzzes her out enough that she has to leave herself notes everywhere just to remember what the hell she needs to do to get through the bare minimum each day.

This kid who has amazing potential, who has known what she wanted to do with her life since she was just 8 years old, this kid who gives it her all every single day. This kid who is smart enough to have done her own research and knows what is coming if she doesn’t let me give her that injection, and if she doesn’t take the tablets that make her want to crawl into bed and never get out again. This kid who dreads the injection and the tablets and cops it, kicking and crying, because she just wants to feel better. And then apologizes to me, because she knows it makes me sad.

Sobbing,

Synn xx

13 Reasons Why

So, I just finished binge watching this new series on Netflix. The show conveys the fictional story of Hannah Baker, who left behind a series of audio cassettes detailing the reasons why she chose to end her life. Based on a book released by Jay Asher which became hugely popular.


I had tried to read the book when it was first released in 2007 but realized quite early on in the text that I just wasn’t in the right headspace to continue. That seems a little strange to me now because though I hadn’t thought of it til just now, I don’t very often not finish a book when I start. Even if its utter rubbish, I generally continue because I like to have hope that the by the end it will have proven its worth. This was a difficult series to watch for a lot of reasons. It was difficult because I watched and thought of my children. About how damn terrifying high school can be, how cruel kids can be to each other……. It was difficult to watch and not see myself in some of those characters. I know I am not alone when I say it, but I knew how Hannah felt. So many of her experiences were totally normal teenage experiences – but that doesn’t change how totally fkn shitful those experiences can feel.

I still feel that way at times and it can be a mission to find your way out of the darkness. I am in my mid 30’s and I still have a pack of those razor blades, tucked away in the box of all the stuff (hidden in the safe) that I cant bring myself to look at anymore. I have even thought so far ahead that I am the only person who can get into the safe. Not that I think I’ll ever use them but they are there. I should probably go through that box someday when I am feeling strong. Isn’t it strange that we all keep these memory things tucked away because they are so important but don’t go through them because its too hard to deal with the emotional stuff that goes with it.

The series was beautifully made and the cast were incredible. I was so moved by the message in the series and there were certainly some elements of the series that were confronting and made to encourage the viewer to analyze the reasons behind why suicide rates continue to rise, even with major government intervention and millions of dollars being invested in anti-bullying campaigns. But honestly, the series was incredibly overwhelming. The suicide scene was graphic and in the moment watching it, my first thought was ‘shit, is this a fkn instruction guide for every teen who has ever considered it’?. It was intense and gave me chills. Her mother found her in the bath, having cut her wrists open. And that scene was horrifying, like something I imagine is every parents nightmare.  Years ago, a girl I went to school with took her own life and that was back in the day when suicide was heard about but nothing like as common as it seems to be these days. And through her entire funeral, I couldn’t take my eyes off her beautiful mum, who looked… haunted.

Overall, I am torn by the entire concept of the show/story. Hannah wanted to ensure that the people who she thought contributed to her decision to end her life, knew exactly how they had influenced her. But in the process of leaving those tapes, she aired the laundry and secrets of 13 people, information that could destroy people along the way. 13 peoples lives who are forever changed, good bad or ugly, because she felt the need to make sure that each and every one of them was never the same. (And then she ended her life and wasn’t there to explain, or do damage control). I am torn, and I am unsure how I feel about it all. I know that I had considered the kids watching this series, after all they are teenagers living in the same world as the main characters – but I cant allow my kids that sort of experience without having to do some damage control myself. I don’t think it would be a bad idea for the kids to read the book, at least the scenes could only be as graphic as their imagination allows.

Parenting is hard. I strive everyday to do the best I can, but watching this made me feel powerless. Its a scary world we live in.

Saddened,

Synn xx

Still moving forward…

Hey there! Its been a long week huh? Don’t stress, we’ll get through it together. 

So a couple of weeks ago I posted about how life was getting a little full on. Stuff with the ex, stuff with the kids, stuff with the house – well it was all just kinda shitful. And I was letting it get that way by being passive, letting shit happen, feeling like it was out of my control so letting it get more and more out of control. I not very good in situations I cannot control.

One thing I did realize though is that each of these ‘episodes’ are lasting less time. I am becoming aware of it sooner and jumping into making the changes necessary. That doesn’t mean I don’t fall back into those old patterns but I’m seeing personal growth each time. I see the patterns and I jump in sooner, to make the changes and get on with whatever it is that needs to be done. Life is difficult at the moment, but I am not alone in that. Everyone goes through phases where its all freaking craziness and chaos. All I can do is what I can see needs to be done. 

This morning I escaped for a little while and before I knew it I had walked for hours and it was time to pick up the kids from school. But in that long lonely walk I gave myself the ass kicking that I needed and made a plan of attack. 


This is going to be the current motto and I am going to say it as many times a day as I need to get through each bit as it happens. And whatever happens from here I am going to manage the hell out of it. 

On another note, I have made a new friend. Well, I think maybe I am making a new friend. It’s an odd friendship I guess, but I am thankful for this person. She is different to my usual friends and has such a great perspective on life, and maybe that is exactly what I need right now.

And by the way, that clothesline I was going to put up – well I screwed up and was in the process of chucking a major tantrum, but in walked the ex, ever the knight in shining armour, and he saved the day again. He fixed my screw up and finished the installation and the weird bit was, I think he was actually kinda proud of me for trying to do it myself, even though I didn’t get it completely right. And that felt good. I wish he had been proud of me before, but he is still someone whose opinion matters to me, so I’ll take it. 

Stomping,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt – Elixir

Hey there… Thought I might jump back in here and try and clear the blockage that seems to be banging around inside me at the moment. 

When I first saw the prompt for today, it conjured all sorts of images. Firstly of Alice in Wonderland and the dainty little bottles she sipped from causing all sorts of chaos, then the medications that roll around in my drawer and in the pit of my stomach every morning, and finally, the enormous delicious bottle of vanilla Vodka in the pantry. I googled the meaning of the word elixir and Dictionary.com had this result;

Truth is, for me at least, that love was the elixir. I think of all the shit stuff in this world and think that perhaps if everyone acted with a little love, and if everyone felt love, then maybe the world and all its catastrophe wouldn’t feel so – overwhelming. Maybe if there was an elixir for all of us, to take the pain away, fix mistakes, cure illnesses, offer guidance, whatever the need might be, maybe there wouldn’t be so many people fumbling through life in this weird haze that seems to be happening now.

Tonight, that bottle of Vodka is tucked away in the pantry but don’t think I cant hear it all calling my name. A little elixir to make me forget for a minute, to help me get a good night sleep, to just make all the noise stop for a minute, to take away the loneliness. I know it isn’t the elixir, the cure-all for whatever ails me, and as someone who has seen what addiction does to a family, as someone who suffers from poor mental health, I won’t partake in that particular idea of elixir… but tonight, I understand why some people do.

Seeking,

Synn xx

Daily Prompt – Elixir

Meaningless rambling

Well hey there! If there’s anybody out there reading, it’s been a while since I posted. I seem to have lost a little bit of the anonymity I sought out here and that scared the crap out of me. So, I am just going to throw it out there – if you are reading this and you know me personally, and you wouldn’t pick up the phone to check in for a chat then stop reading! Just go make a pot of tea or something and pretend that you never stumbled across this silly little page, because I simply cant be freakin bothered to transfer all this shit to a new domain.

And now that’s done! (Seriously, if you’re still reading then its totally at your own risk at this point).

Seems kinda weird to me that I haven’t written here since January, this year is totally flying by. Kinda crazy to think that we really haven’t stopped, but I don’t feel like I have actually done anything. Well that’s kinda untrue… I have done a lot around the house, started painting walls, organized fixing the bathrooms (haven’t quite mastered plumbing as yet) and tomorrow’s mission is to install a folding clothes line against the back fence. I haven’t had a clothes line since I moved in here and I have a stack of quilts and blankets that stink like moth balls after being stored away over summer.

Its kinda weird to me that just 2 years ago I was playing ‘Hannah Homemaker’, cooking gourmet meals for a precious little family, volunteering at the school and sewing beautiful quilts in my spare time. I read that and as much as it makes me feel old, I think I was happy. I am struggling with happy still, no surprise there. I guess that ultimately this life isn’t exactly what I had thought it would be. Im struggling with old habits and anxieties. Things have taken a weird turn with the ex and I find myself once again completely baffled by him. I am trying to be the best mum I can be but managing crazy hormonal teenagers is harder than I ever imagined. And doing it solo to kids who we have raised to be outspoken and opinionated – well lets just say I am rethinking that now too. They are great kids, freakin amazing incredible wonderful kids, but let me make it clear – they are certainly very vocal these days.

I hate living alone. I hate sleeping alone. I am trying really hard to be more self-sufficient and stand on my own two feet but honestly I miss having a partner in crime, someone who gave a shit how my day was. I miss having someone to take care of. Im fucking lonely. 

So I just keep meandering through the puddle that is life and doing whatever as it needs to be done. I am trying so hard to make this house a home but feel like I am failing miserably. 

I wish I had something more positive to share, and Ill try and get my shit together before I post next. And now its raining. Does anyone know if its safe to use a battery operated drill in the rain? Because I really need to install this fkn clothesline tomorrow. 

Sinking… fast!

Synn xx

Disposable?

I have seen some nasty divorces in my time. Straight up slanging matches and court appearances and horrible arguments over kids and custody and who gets the damn dog. I guess that was a good lesson for me, because I certainly learnt how not to behave.

The separation from my ex was clean. None of that poisonous shit that damages people in the long-term. I know it was hard on my kids, but it would have been a whole lot worse of their father and I had been on a mission to destroy each other. I am really proud of the fact that I haven’t slagged him off, not to them or to anyone else. And I am 100% certain that they have coped better than they would have if they had seen us hating on each other.

And it would have been really easy to hate him. Being cheated on and then cast aside for the shiny new toy was fkn hurtful.

But I had another little life lesson today, that hit me like a tonne of bricks from out of nowhere. I am disposable. Not just to him, but to an entire extended family that I adored. I have always valued family, as screwed up and dysfunctional as mine are, it has always been important to me. And I worked hard to create an amazing little family of my own, including brothers and sisters in law who I love as much as the rest of them. Those people were a bigger feature in my life than my blood relatives most of the time and my experience of family was so much richer for having had them in it.

When we first separated I talked to the extended family and made sure that they knew how important they were to me and that I didn’t want to lose them just because I was no longer with their brother. You would think that having people in your life for 10+ years would give it some concrete stability. But that wasn’t the case here.

Overall, it really just makes me sad. My kids are missing out on having their aunt, uncle and cousin in their lives and I am missing out on my gorgeous niece. And there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. When we separated and his new girlfriend came on the scene, I kept all the nasty details to myself. I didn’t want anyone to think less of him and maybe I didn’t want anyone to think less of me. Somehow I was ashamed of being cheated on, like his actions were indicative of my worth. I am a little ashamed now that I let that define me.

I am doing a lot better these days, though still regularly falling into the habit of letting the old shit creep in. I am still a little broken and beaten down, but I think I am making progress. Just reminding myself everyday that as long as I keep moving forward I’ll be okay.

Saddened,

Synn xx