Hey there! Its been a while since I have written here… I think I have written about 20 posts that are unfinished and sitting in my drafts folder. Anyone else out there have trouble hitting the publish button after writing a post? I think its probably because my posts are personal rants or word vomit!
Anyway, I figured it was time I update, because there really is plenty to update about! The renovations are coming along nicely and things are taking a long time, but they are happening little by little. It seems that as quickly as I can get one job finished, there is another brain wave and another new project on the go. I am trying to do as much as I can myself but there are some jobs that I need to get tradies in for and that means waiting for a space in other peoples schedules – and I am not enjoying having to be patient! The major job on the go at the moment is having liquid limestone poured around the pool, and this job feels like it is taking forever. It hasn’t been an easy one with lots of false starts and dealing with the weather making it near impossible to book anything in! Here is a progress shot!
In waiting for all this to get happening, I can openly admit that things haven’t been great on the mental health front. It feels like I have been barely holding it together, though people around me haven’t really noticed any difference apparently. I mentioned this to the psych in my last appointment and he said he had written into my notes over a year ago that he believed I had transitioned into a state of ‘high-functioning anxiety’. This is something I am looking into now, because I hadn’t heard the term before. I have been maintaining everything I guess, making sure that everything gets done, but at least 3 times a week I am bolting for the lookout at the beach for a good long cry. Being down there, having a cry and trying to give myself a second to breathe seems to be the latest coping mechanism and the psych told me that’s totally okay, whatever I need to do to get through. It was a long appointment and we discussed a lot of the stuff that’s going on, and he pointed out that its the first session we have had where we have been discussing future stuff instead of those past hurts. For now, I think that’s progress!
Hey hey hey! I thought I’d share another song (or 2) from the soundtrack of this life over here, a semi current one kinda. Today I had to take the kidlet for another specialist appointment, which meant a day of school for her and a long day driving for me. I haven’t had my license all that long and I am not overly confident driving in the city – throw in there that my car is doing some weird thing that I dont understand so I didn’t drive my car. A borrowed a car and had to drive a huge 4wd but I actually think that it was better than driving my car – she is so big and imposing that other driver’s can definitely see me coming lol. I was nervous about parking her but it was actually a pretty great trip overall.
Spending so much time in the car meant we had to have some good tunes for the trip, and it was such a nice way to just hang out with the kid, bits of conversation scattered in amongst singing along to whatever was on – and the list was pretty eclectic! It was such a pleasure to watch my girl completely rocking out, car dancing away. I never expected her to get so into one of my major faves 30 Seconds to Mars. I have been a huge Jared Leto fan for as long as I can remember and The Kill is just one of the many I love from the band.
The Kill – 30 Seconds to Mars
The next song that we were singing along to was a total crack up and I think we kinda surprised each other was this one;
Video Killed The Radio Star – The Buggles
This one is an oldie but a goodie, and I loved that the kiddo knew it and was singing along!
Hey there! I had a pretty full-on day today, spent a lot of time in the car running around and I had a weird moment, where I felt like the radio was somehow weirdly connected to me. I am sure that for most people, music and particular songs are significant to us all, memories all linked into a certain piece of music. Today a song came on and I was in my own little world, driving, singing along – and then it registered, this particular song and a flood of memories.
It all comes back to music for me in one way or another, playing in the background at a party or pounding away as loud as I could stand it when my heart was breaking into a million pieces.
This particular song was playing when I told my kids that their dad was moving out. I had always been proud of not lying to my kids, whilst I never went out of my way to discuss things that were ‘too grown up’ or ‘didn’t concern them’, I was proud that when they had asked questions I had told them the truth. Until that day. On that day, I took a deep breath, pulled my shit together and walked into our home and straight up lied to them. I told them that Daddy was going to move out and stay with a friend of his for a while. I dont even really remember the reason why I lied to them, though I am certain at the time, for whatever reason I did what I thought was right at the time. I didn’t tell them the shattering information that I had just been served up, that he had fallen for someone else and was already gone – that conversation was more of a courtesy to me if that makes any sense. I didn’t tell them that they had already met Daddy’s new friend. Now that I think about it, I dont know why it was me that told them.
I remember looking at him across the room, while our babies cried and cuddled him, and this song playing in the background.
Breakeven – The Script
So much of this song still rings true for me. Im still gutted, and falling to pieces and just when I think I am going to be okay… well its still taking some time to adjust.
The song stuck with me all day today and has been rolling around in my head, I found myself humming along while preparing dinner and I thought maybe this was a good way to put some of those memories down somewhere. Maybe it will be cathartic to get some of these feelings or emotions out of my head and maybe it will help me move into a different sort of future. I’m not sure, but if you have any songs like these ones, feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear about some of those songs and moments if other people have them!
Singing and sighing,
Some days are just like that, right? You get up and have a whole list of crap planned and little by little the plan gets a bit skewiff… I am not even sure if that’s a word, but its a word my gran used so I going to roll with it. It started out okay but just kinda derailed from there – anyway there was a good bit in the day! Lollies! And not even for me, it was a gift for someone kinda cool, and he seemed stoked so I guess that is a win for the day!
A couple of days ago, Facebook had a link about Lollysmith’s enormous lolly jars that you could personalise! https://www.allenslollies.com.au It was a limited edition thing and there were only 200 released so I was kinda excited to get it! I filled it with all the faves and I think it might have been the perfect gift!
Hey there! Its been a while huh? I have been running ragged here, getting stuff done. The bathroom is finished and fabulous. I am completely loving the whole feel in the room now and I even finally got to take a long relaxing bath. Things are happening, little by little and the house is starting to feel great.
Life here has been quiet. The kids social life is thriving so I seem to spend a lot of time in the car running around after them. My circle seems to be smaller than ever and I have to say, its not bothering me at all. I have been spending a lot of time on my own but I haven’t been lonely which is a bit strange for me. Lonely has become a bit of a regular status for me after the dumping of the century and I always thought I did it quite well. Being on my own was something I quickly became accustomed to, and had resigned myself to if Im honest. When you have been in a partnership for as long as I had, you get used to sharing people, and people get used to you being ‘with’ someone. After the dumping, there were people I distanced myself from, and there were people that distanced themselves from me… and there were people who straight up chose sides. So yeah, its all a bit weird, still learning and changing. And I think I am okay with that.
My birthday is approaching and I am feeling… old! It seems the older I get, the more I feel the cold so this little sweetheart has been the perfect snuggle buddy!
It’s strange how a certain smell can remind you of someone, strange that a smell can trigger so many memories. I had a weird moment today, walking into my ex’s house. He is away at the moment and the kids and I have been taking care of his animals, checking in on the house, all that stuff. The second I walked in the door I was completely enveloped by the smell of his cologne – so much so that I looked for him, as if he was in the room and not on the other side of the world. I knew he wasn’t there but I couldn’t help but look for him.
I was reminded of so many significant moments. He has worn the same scent then entire time I have known him and I can associate that scent with so many life-changing moments. I remember that smell, when I told him I was pregnant with our daughter and he was fresh out of the shower getting ready for work. I remember that smell when he sat by my side in the hospital, when our daughter had gone home and I was too unwell to leave. I remember that smell when we went out one night and although I am not very good at public displays of affection, he put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head, and I was so completely consumed by how safe I felt in that moment, that I didn’t care who was looking.
I remember that smell while folding his clothes, watching my babies argue while we waited for their dad to come out of surgery. I remember that smell whilst patting him to sleep, night after night, when the pain was too much for him to bear. I remember that smell the day that he told me he was leaving me again.
And that smell today just about wiped me out. I instinctively looked for him and was completely overwhelmed, bombarded with all those memories. It took my breath away.
His cologne had been knocked off the bathroom vanity (thanks to an inquisitive fluffy fat cat) and as I knelt on the floor to wipe up the mess, I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks and my heart ached for what I thought would be. I believed in a future with him. I miss him.
Hey there! It’s been a long week huh? And its only Tuesday here!
Today was a public holiday here for ANZAC day and it was a weird day for me and the kidlets. We usually head into town for the dawn service on ANZAC day but the kids dad is away and the kids didn’t want to go without him. It’s become a tradition and they just don’t seem to be coping that well with him being away. We did have a moment for ourselves and tried to get on with the day, but they are just missing him so much. And honestly, I am missing him too. Things have been so good with us in the last couple of months that I am really missing having him around. It’s all feeling a little bleak and grey sums that up well right now.
We have been flat out with the bathroom renovation and it feels like it is taking forever, with the Easter break and then today’s public holiday everything seems to be very start-stop-start-stop. But were getting there I guess. Some tiles went up on the wall on Monday, and the bath was installed on Friday so it is happening, slowly but surely. Well its too late to turn back now!
We had a few hiccups, when the vanity didn’t arrive on time and we needed to select a different unit, completely different from what we had ordered. It was a bit of a letdown actually and has changed the look of the bathroom totally, but I had tradies booked and we needed to make a decision as quickly as possible. At the moment it all looks pretty grey and I am really hoping it all looks beautiful when its completed. At the moment Im just taking it all as it comes, trying to be the best mama I can be and keep everything afloat!
The door to the office seemed enormous. Deep red frame filled with a thick glass piece completely covered in hand painted flowers, all intricately woven into each other. Tiny little flowers. Millions of them.
I remember standing outside that door for what felt like forever… deeps breaths girly, just keep breathing, don’t let the clouds take over…
I remember feeling the gurgling in my stomach, the coffee I had consumed that morning threatening to spill itself at my feet.
I remember hearing all the people bustling behind me on the busy street, chattering away in their own conversations, a phone ringing with a pop song for a ringtone.
I remember the smell of the flowers in the nearby garden, pungent and sweet.
I remember the throbbing in my feet, walking here to clear my head probably hadn’t been a good idea.
I remember thinking how beautiful the door was, thinking ‘I should take a photo’ and immediately talking myself out of it. The door was beautiful, but would only ever symbolize the sickness I felt, the sadness that I knew was coming.
I had to go inside. It was time to say goodbye.
I pushed the door open and felt the air-conditioning rush out, cooling the tears I didn’t know had fallen on my cheeks. It was time.
She was stomping around, making breakfast messily, after getting out of the wrong side of bed after a shitty nights sleep. Her knees ached, her ankles burned, her feet were swollen. Her elbow wouldn’t extend all the way and was making it difficult to reach to pick up the kettle. All she wanted was to make hot chocolate and easter buns, a nice choice for breakfast over the easter break.
She was really looking forward to that hot chocolate. She was hoping the comforting liquid warmth would ease the tension and line her stomach before she had to take her daily medication routine. She smelled the chocolate wafting from the cup as she poured the steaming water in and sighed.
She picked up the cup and searing pain in her wrist bones made her falter for a second. The cup fell to the ground, breaking, and the liquid she desperately craved spread across the floor. Hot tears fell on her pink cheeks, angry with herself for not being able to do the most simple of things. She knows it’s not always this bad, she knows there are some good days and she knows this isn’t one of them. And today, she is cranky. She tries to remind herself that it’s okay to feel that way, even the psych told her that it was to be expected. But today, the whole situation makes her cranky. Cranky with herself for feeling the way she does, cranky that her body wont co-operate, cranky that she cant just do what other kids can do.
She looked across the kitchen at me and shrugged as she started to tidy the mess. I know better than to try and help. That just makes her feel more useless, more hopeless. She tidies up and goes back to her bedroom, crawls into her bed and cries.
I go to the store and pick the prettiest bunch of flowers I can afford, go home and put them in a vase and knock lightly on her door.
She smiles when she sees them and says ‘oh Mama, its hard to be cranky looking at such beautiful flowers’.
Hey there, you. How’s the week treating you? It’s been a long week here but I have made it through. Just. Kinda. If you didn’t laugh you’d cry, right?
SO I choose to try and stay positive and see the good bits about it. Even tonight, when I am beside myself, feeling like absolute fucking shit. Some days it feels impossible to keep trudging through the shit storm that is life.
Today I woke feeling dread, anxiety sitting in my chest, sadness in the pit of my stomach. Its Easter and I really tried to keep it all positive for the kids. But the girl child and I were both a little off all day. See, today was injection day. Today was the day that I knew, from the second I woke up, that this evening I would have to hold that little girl down and inject her with medicine that ‘could’ help her to feel better, the ‘could’ ease her pain. Maybe, if it works.
I feel like a special kind of asshole. Seeing my kid in pain everyday, knowing that she is hurting just to get the basic shit done… knowing that it was bad before we even knew what it was and for a long time I told her it was just growing pains and it would get better.
Once a week I give that kid a low dose of a drug that is used to treat cancer. Seriously. And then once a fortnight I inject her with what is essentially a different kind of poison that ‘could’ stop her body from attacking itself. Once a fortnight I hold that kid down so that she cant swat me away and stop me from delivering the injection that ‘could’ help her feel better, knowing that the injection itself hurts her. Knowing that she is going to feel like utter shit for the 4 or 5 days following. Knowing that the medications are creating a kind of brain fog that completely fuzzes her out enough that she has to leave herself notes everywhere just to remember what the hell she needs to do to get through the bare minimum each day.
This kid who has amazing potential, who has known what she wanted to do with her life since she was just 8 years old, this kid who gives it her all every single day. This kid who is smart enough to have done her own research and knows what is coming if she doesn’t let me give her that injection, and if she doesn’t take the tablets that make her want to crawl into bed and never get out again. This kid who dreads the injection and the tablets and cops it, kicking and crying, because she just wants to feel better. And then apologizes to me, because she knows it makes me sad.